I happen to venture into the city today for an errand and I was subjected to the insanity that afflicts people during Halloween. I personally don't celebrate Halloween...there's no reason why I don't...I guess I just never got into the spirit of the festivities in the past. Anyways, there are only so many things that I can bear while riding on the train, especially when I'm trying to enjoy some solace on a packed car. Instead, I ended up sitting next to this extremely obnoxious girl who had previously been making out with her boyfriend on the platform. Since she got onto the train, she was sobbing like some melodramatic biatch from a season of the Real World. Even the normally apathetic thugs was all concerned for her and attempted to console her. Tell me this...why are mentally unstable white girls always trying to make a scene so that people will throw pity on them? Of course, she returned to "normal" when the train got fairly empty. Gee, I guess her sadness only expresses itself in the company of many people in a crowded train.

As for the kooky side of things, there are only so many things in life that's able to make me feel depressed about being gay. First, it's the demonstration of PDA (public displays of affections to the uninitiated). The second would be going to weddings...which is perhaps connected to PDA. Anyways, both things makes you feel so excluded on the basis of not being able to participate unless you're like everyone else. Of course, you're probably thinking that I should be macking like everyone else, but we all know that's not going to happen in all scenarios without the obligatory hassling from the conservative-minded.

On an entirely different note, I thought I'd declare my distaste for online anonymity. Specifically, I'm referring to how things, such as online profiles and other visually-dependent media, are often absent for Asians and Pacific Islanders. A good example would be Downelink, where you have all these kooky profiles that either have no pictures or they have fake pictures. To me, it's quite disconcerting to see a guy put up Britney Spears as a profile picture, especially when your profile indicates that you're 32yo, Asian, and works as an accountant. In any case, I abhor the use of fake pictures, because it's so pretentious for folks to assume that we're all satisfied with some false impression of your so-called creativity. Heh, I guess people are just scared of being called fugly. Of course, we all know that the only person who can make you feel ugly is yourself. Aww, cavity alert...way too sweet of a lesson.

Nostaglia Advance

I guess I'll take a detour from the usual socio-political banter and just be a child again (ahemm, aside from the usual childish). With the ever-approaching release of the Nintendo DS, there's been a shake-up between the console giants over the final price of the DS and its premier competitor, the PSP. Sony's decision to round out their PSP at $180 sounds like an obvious attack against the possible Tickle-me Elmo status that the DS could reach. Anyways, there's always the possible that they might drop the price again from the already "low" $150, but an included DS would probably satisfy me a bit more...ahemm, how about Mario DS??

Since my GBA and GBA SP will soon become nothing more than glorified GameCube controllers pretty soon, I thought I'd let you in on my three favorite games that I've enjoyed on the humble portable that I hope will leap onto the new system. Of course, don't forget that these old cartridges are still playable on the DS, so don't throw away your stuff yet...oh yeah, e-Cards will not work on the DS either, so you'll to at least keep of the GBA's if you ever played with those.

Final Fantasy Tactices Advance: Gee, I hated those commericals for this game, but I absolutely couldn't ignore this sequel to one of the most addictive Playstation titles. Even though I never got to play against another player in a head-to-head battle, I still liked all the details that were crammed in the tiny cartridge. Of course, I can still play this one on DS, but it would be way cool if they came out with a new DS title.

Megaman Battle Network 3: Heh, I happen to buy this one a month ago and I got interested in the game as a result of the DS' hype. If you could really play the Battle Network series through a wireless connection with other players, I think it's going to come pretty close to what they have on the cartoon series. Now if they could only allow you to play some character other than just Megaman when you're in a non-story mode. Heh, maybe I'll be Roll.

Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Four Swords: Heh, I know this was just an imported title from SNES, but who wouldn't get nostalgic about this old-school title? If anything, I thought this game was way before its time when it got released on GBA. It's much more appropriate on the DS, where you can play wirelessly with other players instead of those crazy connections with those wires. Anyways, this game is still fun if you're old like me and actually played the SNES version. Wahoo!

Mental diarrhea

I think I've been exhausted by all the intense writing that I had to do this week. I don't think it was as cathartic as it should have been, which means that my brain is currently fried. I think I'm due for some traveling, because I'm starting to feel like I'm being stifled by this evil environment. However, the big thing is Election Day next week, which has become so important that even my father is returning to cast his ballot. I could tag along with him and go half way across the globe, but you know how I absolutely abhor tropical weather. In any case, I'm just thinking that I need a break...from looking for a job. Yes, it sounds stupid when you actually think it out loud.

On the job front, I've faced the reality that I won't find anything on this side of the country. As John can tell you, there's an interesting atmosphere out here that makes you really think about your identity as an Asian or Pacific Islander. However, that same atmosphere often times makes you feel so invisible when it comes to getting your face out there. At this point in the hunt, I can't second guess myself and start questioning my own abilities...I'm pretty sure I'm on par if not better than some of the rummagers out there. Okay, it sounds like an ego trip, but I'm not about to start feeling sorry for myself and mire over the possibility that I'm inadequate in some way or another. Instead, I've 'fessed up to the fact that the market is way too competitive over here...that is, there aren't enough jobs and employers know that they can choose to be picky if it means that there are ten people competing for every one open position.

Even in my current search in the Bay Area, I've at least received confirmation of my submissions, which is a far cry better than the treatment that I've received here. Maybe it's because I know more folks out on the West Coast than here (quite ironic considering that I've lived here all my life). I wouldn't mind the cross-country move if it meant that I could get a job, since I will end up not having health insurance by this end of October. Like Futurama's career counselors say, "You gotta do what you gotta do." Of course, it's quite hilarious that I would ever need to move to the other side of the country to find employment, but you know how the universe never operates in the simplest manner. Gee, I guess this means San Francisco here I come!

I guess folks have started to fear me when it comes to my reprisals against certain types of comments. Sure, I'm intimidating when it comes to the lengthy arguments, but I don't consider myself too threatening. Of course, I feel that these are skills that all Asians and Pacific Islanders can use in their daily lives, particularly when it comes to unseemly situations with ignorant people around the table. While I don't mean to incite terror among the rice and potato queen crowds, it's certainly goes a long time to quell that stereotype of our passivity. In any case, I don't think you can ever have too much of a dialogue about racism and race, especially if everything equally participates in it.

On a different note, I've been beginning to feel that we're on the verge of a major event that's going to change the role of Asians and Pacific Islanders here in the United States. Call it a premonition; there's a weird feeling on the back of neck that tells me we're about be played as an asset to some vicious cause that we won't have any control over. Ominous? Maybe, but I can't put on my finger on how we're going to be used. Yes, I do mean to say "used", because we've always been the political pawns of the privileged. If my experience serves me well, I'd say it has something to do with education. Maybe they'll announce the one millionth Asian student to be receive a college degree and somehow drum up even more crap for the model minority myth.

Perhaps this is where I think we need to be feared...not as overachievers in the bloated educational system, but as prominent writers inside and outside of our community. I remember at a training workshop that I went to a few weeks ago, where I was telling one of the attendees about the lack of mainstream attention on Asian and Pacific Islander writers...that we're still suffering from Amy Tan syndrome. If the extent of our profilic writers turns out simply to be Amy Tan, I guess I should incite a literary revolt. Of course, you're all doing it right now...writing what's on your mind and not letting political correctness censor your thoughts. Well, I would hope that you're writing about your own identity and what impact mainstream pop culture has on you. Self-awareness is a good quality as I told Phillip...I don't mean to change your perspectives or opinions about racism towards Asians and Pacific Islanders (at least not spontaneously)...it's about an awareness that there are alternative truths to this one sphere of racism.

Crazy, but true...it's truths...plural.

Drive-by writing

I have to admit that I absolutely detest people who drop by your Xanga only to antagonize you. Of course, I'm referring to comments, such as that left by a certain usurper83 in regards to what Aaron calls, "rant of Rice of Potatoes". Clearly, I have no problems with folks disagreeing with me...otherwise I wouldn't let David come back every time he harangues me about my misgivings. However, it miffs me when people only say something in order to make noise...you see that all the time if you were in a college classroom. As for usurper83, I'll provide him with a delightful exercise that folks, such as Luke, have been so "lucky" to receive in the past.

Of course, usurper83 probably isn't a big fan of my writing, plus he's probably not a big fan of writing in general (unless he's just a spy with a duplicate Xanga designed to heckle other writers). In any case, this person should know that the norm in our community is that we should be dating someone outside of our race...it's part of queer culture, pop culture, and even in the XYZ generation. Asians and Pacific Islanders in the queer community are continually bombarded with messages that white gay men has so much to offer us as the distinct model minority of American society. Meh, we all know that this supposed "pride" that usurper83 says we possess about our race and ethnicity is often absent among the self-loathing and internally-racist potato queens.

As I wrote in that entry,  it's a politically-correct charade that we're putting out there when we say that we should be dating anyone regardless of race. If potato queens are entitled to declare their adulation for us, then why does a double standard exist when we don't want to reciprocate to the pale souls and instead declare love for someone who looks like ourselves? I would like to be naive like usurper83 and say that people's motivations aren't guided by their perceptions of race, but experienced readers of my work will know that's totally not true. Of course, I'm not impressed by drive-by commenting, but there's have been folks, such as Aaron, who've been able to respond to my writing with his own rebuttles.

To wrap this one up, I'd say to usurper83 that we must not embrace a fluffy idea of "universal love" as a reality in this society. We all come to this playing field with our own biases and we're subjected to them whether we want to or not. As Asians and Pacific Islanders, we certainly should not be comfortable with the idea that our skin color, our languages, and other traits cannot be objectified and exoticized. We might be the model minority, but we're at the "bottom" of the gay totem pole. As always, I never say it's wrong to be in an interracial relationships (yes, I've been several of those), just don't think that an intraracial relationship isn't out of your domain due to your idea of free love. The hypocrisy arises when it's, "I'm so open-minded and non-discriminant since I date white, black, and Latino guys...but I'm just not attracted to Asians." Gwahaha...queue up some money to see a therapist if you ever reach that point...or better yet, just come here...I'm free.

Putting theory into practice

Now that you've read the guide to becoming a web celebrity, it's about time to see that stuff in action. Of course, we all have those select individuals on the Internet that we just gravitate towards...be it the scandalous pictures, interesting reads, or fun downloads. Wahoo!

Dez: Of course, our resident dark fashionista would be the first on my list as one of the premier web celebrities. For folks who don't check out his sexy pictures of Matrix-influenced fashion shots, it's worth a few hours just to drool over all the lovely skin that Dez loves to show off. Heh, but he has more to show than just those cute abs...that's where the Xanga comes in. So, I think you can see how the words and pictures can remain separate, but a sense of style is important in order to link those two elements together.

Elliot: Well, this happened to one of my rare finds while rummaging on the main Xanga page. Elliot's got this whole format similar to Luke's, where he basically compiles a bunch of different entries into one huge one. As such, it take insanely long to load those dang pages, but I can tell you that it's worth it. Besides being a non-chalant beefcake, Elliot integrates his Xanga with pictures, words, and...videos! Yeah, it was fun to read and stare at. Oh yeah, he's also majorly dedicated a whole slew of community and youth groups,  which definitely fits into helping to bringing awareness to what folks are actually doing in their own community.

Sion: Okay, well I'm not sucking up when I'm putting Sion down as one of the web celebrities. Of course, he is the papi for all us Dynamiqvision tenants, so you got to admit that he's been churning out web celebrities for a long time now. Unlike Dez or myself, Sion goes for the whole sleek, aerodynamiq look on his Xanga and his own spot on Dynamiqvision. If you're going for Sion's style, be ready for some high-tech CSS writing...well, it's not that hard, but let's not forget that he does this for a living.

PJ: Heh...last but not least, there's PJ. Like Sion's Xanga, everything is quite minimalist, but it doesn't mean that there's nothing going on. Its low-key design still provides content to folks that's quite comprehensive, such as a portal to countries abroad, for example, his summer trip to the Phillipines. Of course, I was always haranuging him about taking more pictures, especially since I've never been to Asia or the Pacific Islands. Anyways, you'll notice that there are also a few short entries that often contain some very intellectual political thoughts...heh, a queer after my own heart.

As paltry as it may sound, it is a bit of an ego trip to achieve the status of "web celebrity" on the Internet. Heh, if you can't make it on the Real World or Ricki Lake, you might as well build your own fan base online. Of course, blogs are the first step to becoming an Internet personality, but there are several additional steps that I should take to gain a steady following. Meh, it might seem shallow, but you might even reach a base who'd clamor to just know more about you. If you not scared of stalker and itching for a cult to worship you, then let's bring on the formula for becoming famous:

1.) Visual image: It's important to realize that most people are visual individuals, which is especially true when it comes to the Internet. In order to keep your audience interested in how you are, you're going to need some good visuals. It might be your artwork, leeched graphics, or just some candid photographs of yourself at the park. Whatever it is, most word-of-mouth readers will remember you through the visuals presented on your website. Oh yeah, don't forget that you need to make everything appealing...it might not necessarily translate to lots and lots of skin, but it should be at least captivating to folks who might be "pros" at surfing the web.

2.) Formal feature: While rag-tag templates make for fast publications, a good website should be tailored to your own style and personality. Of course, it doesn't have to be entirely original, but it should convey a sense of uniqueness. If you're not much for graphics, then you should concentrate on a good combination of colors that keep readers interested. Heh, pink might be a fun color to go with your Britney Spears and Paris Hilton pictures, but just remember that it should compliment you.

3.) Body appeal: As shallow as it sounds, showing off your body is perhaps the easiest and fastest way to gain a following. Even though you might be thinking that it's a rather hollow aspect of celebrity, it has some usefulness in showing your readers that you possess a positive body image of yourself. No, you don't need huge biceps or washboard abs to show yourself off, but it doesn't hurt. Of course, let's remember that skin pics only compliment what's already there. Heh, Xanga writers can flex their mental muscles in addition to their real ones...they should work collaboratively in building this holistic image of who you are.

4.) Substantial, yet stylish: I'm assuming that if you've made it this far online with your blog, then you've been able to demonstrate that you have a distinct personality that separates you from the rest of the crowd. Even if you want to go for the mainstream appeal, you should try and differentiate your personality in order for everyone to remember your name (or screenname). It's all about building content that gives a good impression of what makes you an attractive read...ahemm, I did say "read". Even with pictures, you got to make them stand out from all the other risque stuff on the Internet. Developing a niche might be a good way to separate yourself from the rest of the pack.

5.) POV: Perhaps you might think that web celebrities ought to be non-partisan and impartial to what goes on in the world, but I got to admit that online personalities can be an influential force upon their audiences. Heh, so if it was me, I would capitalize on my celebrity by convincing people of a positive social movement. Of course, you know porn's been doing that for nearly two decades now; the introduction of condoms and public health messages are good examples of how sexual icons have contributed to a "positive" movement. Heh, you should know what type of social movement that I'd like you to create if you were to become a web celebrity...so who's ready to get started?

Faux face

I think I've stabbed every issue of race to death by now, but you know that wouldn't stop me haranguing on the hypocrisies of some kooky folks out there. Even though the white guys take the brunt of most of my onslaughts I got to say that those invisible weasels hiding under the cloak of racial preferences are about to get it. I won't bother to talk about white men and their racial preferences...it's been done before. Instead, I got to say that there are some insanely black-hearted, self-loathing Asians and Pacific Islanders in the world...and I'm not talking about Michelle Malkin either.

In this rather politically correct world, gay Asian and Pacific Islander have been forced to espouse their support for "colorblind" dating. In other words, you can't state that you're only attracted to one race. For the potato queens, it basically means that you need to be PC and say that you would date another Asian guy. However, it's just a big facade, especially when you know they're just hiding the fact that they're only looking at the pale souls out there. I guess transparency in dating is a necessity in this freaky society of ours. While I might wail on folks for being so narrow-minded, lying about being a potato queen is perhaps far worst than the actual condition. If it's all about being well-liked by their fellow community members, I don't think theyneed to deceive them about who can actually spank their monkeys.

So, the inconsistency often comes in the form of, "Well, I like all types of guys, but I've mostly dated white guys. I would date Asians, but they need to be very good-looking." Gee, as if VGL wasn't pretentious enough, it always seems that some closet potato queens need to find some justification for their biases. Of course, I find it rather hilarious that they usually want an A&F Asian musclehead (straight-acting, masculine, and non-femme {in that order}), while they can date any 35yo+ balding sasquatch. Beyond that, I think most potato queens (and rice queens) boil down their attraction to physicalities. If it comes to the point where someone of your own ethnicity or race needs to be regarded in a higher standard, then I think you've committed a fallacy.

Honestly, potato queens need to ask themselves, "Would I date a guy who looked like me?" Self-deprication aside, if you can't find the basic qualities of yourself attractive and mutually attractive in someone of the same race or ethnicity, then it's that ugly mix of internalized racism and homophobia. If they need the notion that their own skin color, body shape, and details are so abhorrent to themselves, where does the logic support that other people might find them attractive? Like that Whitney Houston song tells us, you need to experience "the greatest love of all" in order to truly feel like you're not just another Michelle Malkin clone.

X-E-S

If you ever had to think about the immense conflicts between love and sex, then it's obvious that folks often times have trouble differentiating and separating the two. Of course, a distinction between love (the mushy part) and lust (the creamy part) is best distinguished by the level of emotional involvement. Granted, there are some sexual foreplays and intercourses that might be emotionally intense, but it's mostly based on our physiological responses to stimuli (heh, that would be my tongue to your [insert body part]).

Although it might sound cruel, I've always asked folks to never confused lust with love. Heh, this is where many lonely individuals often pine about the crappiness of their lives...they might be getting all the lust, but no love. Of course, have you ever wondered what happens when the reverse is true? Hmm...all love and no lust. I think we'd be quick to classify that as the lesbian-bed death syndrome a la Queer as Folk, but it's fairly clear that most healthy relationship demands a good balancing between lust and love. Lust, while totally bad for the sex-addicted or emotionally fragile, is an essential part of everyone's personality. It represents aggressiveness, drive, and raw power...quite potent in small doses, but entirely unsafe when overused. However, it should not be something that needs to be feared. If we consider that a lustful, yet loveless relationship sounds hollow, the opposite leaves one feeling inadequate and unsatisfied with the emotionally intense moments.

Gee, quite intellectual, but I guess all this means is...ahemm, have sex, be horny, kiss, make up, clean up, and spoon. Repeat every day until the world ends.

J'accuse, Part 2

Some readers might have the impression that I'm building up this moral superiority on the part of Asians and Pacific Islanders and their place in the dating world...that the dynamics is often they are the victims of racism and bias. Of course, that's a valid observation, but let's make it clear: Asians and Pacific Islanders are like everyone else...people. If anything, I would like to think that most people are not saints and that's something that they should not be ashamed of. Whereas you can truly live a monastic and celibate life (by choice, ahemm..), most of us indulge in good, fun thing even to the point of excess.In essence, it's a natural feeling and process to try and feel good. However, moral superiority often states that we should not have fun...or that if we do engage in those activities, we must deny the joy that others might perceive us in having.

Let me tell you...no one's ever too good for anything. It's a mix of pride, narcissism, and frustration that drives people to feel like they're better than the rest. If we strip the money, the education, the muscles, and the PENIS, then you are left with a regular husk that does not have any attractive innate qualities. Perhaps why I'm thinking about this inconsistency between oppression and the perpretrator, it's that those most blessed often displayed the same bias and prejudices as their previous haters. This is why the muscle-marys of the Asian and Pacific Islander community has gone desparately awry in the last few years.

You're bulking up and "getting physical" to improve your outlook and look outside, but all of that is meant to disguise your basic inadequacies. So, you end up seeing former twigs playing it up like Conan the barbarian with the other gym bunnies and then zapping you an evil-eye-transmission, "Don't even think about it, dude...you're nowhere close to being my material". Heh, quite disheartening for the young (at-heart) crowd. In turn, those hurt souls start going to the gym, gulping down protein shakes, and develop roid rage, all in an attempt to spite that Asian dude who snubbed him. Deadly cycle of muscular perversion? Yeah, that's the case. If I could draw you a graph, I would tell you that there's a positive correlation between body-mass index and discriminating attitude about body image.

Oh yeah, there's also a bonus entry for those guys on my protected entry list. Don't forget to check it out for some smiles and sobriety.

Quid pro quo

I went for a job interview today and it was such a nightmare. I was roaming on Craigslist and I happen to find this posting for a part time job at a community computer center. At first, I enticed since it was only part time and could potentially mean some quick infusion of cash. However, I make a call this morning to arrange an interview and I got a rather unusual reception from the person who was hiring. He didn't really give me much information about the site and I ended having to look up the address on my own. Isn't it a bit odd to not know the addresses of your own program sites? Anyways, I eventually got there later this afternoon...after walking six blocks from the train station. It turns out that the computer center was part of a housing project.

The interview went very well for me and I definitely made a good impression. He practically offered to hire me right away, pending my reference sheet. I'm not too sure if I want to take this job now, because it's only paying $12 an hour, with an increase to $15 after 90 days. Since they're not paying me that much, I would want to receive some other compensation...such as health insurance?? I don't want to end up walking those six blocks every day in the frosty winter and end up getting the flu or pneumonia...by that point, it wouldn't matter how much money they pay me if I can't get enough money to see a doctor or get medicine. Oh well, I'll string him along until next time before I'm willing to give an answer.

As for my new book idea, it's entitled, "Ten Conversation You Wish You Had With Asians". Each chapter will be a dialogue between myself and a person that I know. At this point, I have enough materials to craft four chapters, but I'm thinking that I might need to create more content by...well, basically having conversations with folks. Of course, the topics are the usual stuff that you're all accustomed to. Anyways, it's a working idea, but hopefully I can get some eager beavers to join in on the fun. Gee, sounds sexy..

Niche writer

I've already started writing a new project that hopefully can be transformed into a book. Yeah, you're wondering how I can even fathom writing a book, especially based on my rather insane priorities of trying to look for a job right now. Anyways, my previous idea of writing a book on interracial relationships hasn't fizzled. I've written a quarter of the entire book's length, which isn't too bad. However, I'm trying to do something new, because it's been quite depressing to write about the topic with it currrently pessimistic tone. That's why I'm focusing on this new book idea, since it is slightly humorous and observational. Of course, the format of the book is entirely different...it will be chapter-based, but it's not linear. In other words, think of it more as a collection of stories or essays.

Anyways, I happen to apply for a couple of jobs in the Castro today. Heh, I might end up being John's neighbhor. I'm not overly excited about the possibility of getting the job, especially since the chances are extremely minimal. However, it could be a fun experience, since an old friend of mine works there and we used to really have a great friendship whenever we hung out together on our trips. Unfortunately, I won't overestimate myself in getting these jobs in the Castro, since I'm pretty sure they're looking for locals...which basically excludes me from any particularly solid chance of even getting a callback. In any case, I'm hoping that having a friend there will at least get me the callback and I'll worry about the interview later.

Dig me

I've been feeling distracted lately. This is perhaps the worst time to get distracted by anything...I haven't accomplished anything in the past few weeks. Well, I'm not feeling a sense of failure nor disappointment. Instead, it's a feeling of aimlessness. Somehow I've been feeling stifled by the atmosphere here. Like Rupert Everett, I feel that this environment has become so hostile. Most of what I feel when I am lying in bed is about the sense of uncertainty that exists. Normally, I welcome uncertainty, because it represents challenges and obstacles. However, I'm beginning to grow tired of the instability and uncertainty that keeps looming over me.

Maybe it's cabin fever. I can go several days without leaving the home, which technically isn't too bad, since it cuts down on my spending. In most melodramatic way, I guess I'm exiling myself from the city, because it longer bears much significance to me anymore. No, I'm not thinking about being a full time suburbanite forever, but the city's glitter hasn't proven fruitful or enjoyable lately. For now, I'm deciding to revive my search for jobs abroad. Even though I hate to conduct this search (seeing as how it can crappy the last time around), there's really no prospects of finding an organizations that I can feel mutually beneficial in working at.

As I mentioned before, I've burned myself out...this local scene is important, but the politics is the part that's most stifling. Of course, this ultimately means that I've taken everything too personally...but I guess that's the nature of the beast. There's that illusion that I can perhaps move somewhere else and gain a renewed spirit, but I won't delude myself...I think I'd lose a lot than I could gain. Since I am such a powerhouse in my field, I can't see myself being the grunt...but sometimes you got to swallow your pride.

Bleh, I know I'm just rambling, but thinking out loud is probably better than writing without conscience. I'll talk more about my new book plan tomorrow.

Innoculation against ignorance

I saw Rupert Everett on the Tavis Smiley Show, which is a PBS show based out of a Los Angeles affiliate. He was on to promote this a period piece film about the theatrical scene in England back in the 1700's. Of course, it had something to do with a gay theme as the plot focused on the king's decree to ban men from playing female roles in plays and theatrical productions. Tavis Smiley seems like a weird host to invite Rupert Everett, since he generally focuses on a lot of conservative social and religious issues (although that doesn't mean he necessarily supports all of them). In any case, Smiley never once brought up the fact that Rupert Everett was gay...perhaps a move of sensitivity a la Mary Cheney. However, I'm sure Rupert Everett is one of Hollywood's most well-adjusted gay celebrity...he's never made a big deal nor hidden that the fact that he was gay.

I think that's the pinnacle of our perception of sexuality. We're all striving to be noticed and not shoved into the shadows. At the same time, we don't want our sexuality to be on every foreground of our society. It's the double standard that we think heterosexuality is so normal that mentioning it would be an obvious statement of fact. This is the fear of many closeted people...they don't want their new lives as out people to entirely center on being gay. Meanwhile, there are some who might want the exact opposite when they do come out (e.g. the process of "fagging out"). I can tell you the point of coming out is not about getting attention from the whole of society. Instead, it should be considered an opportunity to establish a sense of normalcy that allows your internal barometer and external world to be match up.

So, Rupert Everett has decided to move back and stay in England for the duration of this administration's rule. He pretty clearly spoke out against Bush and openly opposes the policies that this administration has taken. His reasoning for leaving has been that it's not polite or appropriate for a foreigner to disagree with the politics while staying as a guest in another country. Heh, I guess this same would most likely apply to Kofi Annan, but I don't think there's anything wrong with dissention. Like coming out, if there's no sense of safety in saying or being who you are, then the lofty goals and prizes of being part of the mainstream is fake. In other words, sacrificing your sexuality to please anyone other than yourself is only likely to bring joy to those who want to make you feel miserable.

Feature presentation

If I had to reevaluate my professional development in the last few years, it would come to no surprise to why I am in such a dismal state right now. Granted, I've done everything that I wanted to do...all of my decisions were made autocratically by myself. As such, I have to bear all the consequences of being so independent-minded. Frankly, I'm feeling as if I could have done better in my studies, but it still wouldn't changed my mindset on what I want to do for the rest of my life. Perhaps it's because the world has changed so much since I first went to college...that just plain screwed up my plans.

When I first went to college, we were going through an economic boom and social activism can probably be considered at its golden age. We were prosperous and oblivious to possibility that everything could have collapsed. As I find out at the end of my stint at my first university, money will become a luxury (as obvious as that sounds), namely financial aid. However, I never can blame my cut in scholarships as a reason for leaving...I absolutely hated the atmosphere there...and those class sizes were way too big.

The most integral piece of the puzzle has been the glass ceiling that I've locked myself under as a result of my social activism. I've made so many enemies and restricted myself from so many alliances due to my own personal code of ethics. I guess you can say that I'm being stubborn and overly proud by resisting the most logical employers for my field. On the other hand, I know many bigwigs in these same large institutions fear me, because I have the potential and predictability of being a loose canon.

Believe me...it's not cynicism when I tell you that you can't depend on anyone in this competitive world of job hunting. Despite all the connections that you might have, it's essential to just be a cut-throat individual. Unfortunately, other qualities for success in this crappy market has been a non-threatening disposition, feigning of inexperience as a desire to learn, and the inevitable demand for sex appeal. On that last element, yes, you need to have sex appeal in order to do any type of work...being physically attractive makes such a big impression that employers aren't willing to admit to. Gee, I guess I'm out of the running with my lack of mainstream appeal. Oh well..

Extreme Console-ation

I guess I've become slightly obsessed with the Nintendo DS after reading a few funny articles on the Internet. Admittedly, I was initially not too excited about this new console, especially considering the lack of game titles being put out immediately following its release in November. However, this funny musing gave me some giddy reactions about the possibility of a Wi-Fi DS network. It's pretty interesting to see how everyone's so excited about the possible connectivity between units...something that might lead to a 2004-version of the PET?

Jack-off all trades

I think the problem with me as a potential job candidate is that I don't have solid, demonstrated experience in any one area of expertise. I do have enormous experience in public health, but none of that has been in any specific leadership position. As a result, I think I'm being passed over as an effective person for management opportunities. I guess this is my personal and professional flaw...I can't seem to stick to doing just one thing at a time. Unfortunately, I have this drive to always do sixteen things at once...which harms me in the long run.

My recent skills acquisition has been most frustrating. I've become somewhat of a computer whiz, but I've never been in any computer science classes or any real world experiences with computers. Most of my "adventures" have come from taking apart and reassembling my own computer. Sure, it's not hard at all to do stuff like that, but I've seen how some folks cringe at exploring the insides of their desktops. So, I think I could actually junk like computer repair, troubleshooting and all that...it's not too hard when you actually stop feeling intimidated and actually look at how your computer ticks (without electrocuting yourself).

Since I've been throwing around my current desire to become a professional writer, I'm stuck on how I could actually materialize anything in the real world with my talents in writing. I can write stuff for you guys to read, but that certainly won't pay the bills. Of course, I would love to do something that is similar, but we all know jobs like that aren't ones that you can serendipitiously. Instead, I think I'm going to have to be serious and swallow my pride. I could run away to be a corporate goon, but it feels in such violation to my own scruples. Oh well, I guess there's always the porn industry...heh..

Groove is in the..

I went to this extremely long workshop yesterday about this special counseling method for healing the damage and trauma caused by racism. I've actually been to this workshop before when I went to the Boston Social Forum. However, I guess I thought I would get back into the groove of being in the community and get trainings. For you guys who've probably never even step foot into workshop sessions, I can tell you that work is probably easier than sitting through these long periods of semi-lecturing and practice sessions.

The basic theory and technique is called Reevaluation Counseling. It states that the damages of racism inflicted on us by individuals and societal  institutions can be healed by acknowledging and confronting those past experiences, most of which we have repressed or ignored. Therefore, the key to releasing those stresses and reversing the trauma is by TALKING it out. A Reevaluation Counseling session generally involves two people - one counselor and one client. The client is given a certain time frame (5 - 45 minutes) to simply just talk about their perspective and experiences with racism. The counselor is not allowed to respond or ask questions during that period. As a result, the client is essentially forced to talk and completely focus in on themselves and have those internal feelings be communicated tot he counselor.

While this is entirely non-traditional for counseling, I often associate Reevaluation Counseling with the writing stuff that we do here on Xanga. I don't see much difference in the manner in which you're supposed to talk and not receive any responses until the very end from the way you have to write out your entry and then click the "Submit" button and publish your thoughts for everyone to read. I actually told the folks at the workshop about my analogy and they liked it. So, by the end of the workshop, I'm pretty sure everyone knew that I was a "writer". Heh, now if I can only convince an organization that I can be a "professional writer".

Righteous fury

I went to a community meeting tonight regarding the potential eviction of Ming's Market, which is a Chinese-own supermarket in the South End, the gentrified, posh side of town. The owner of the land and properties has decided to redevelop the area to provide rental apartments. Folks at Ming's Market are clamoring over the loss of their space, because they still have a lease agreement with the property owners, which isn't suppose to expire until a few more years. Moreover, the owners have approached the Boston Redevelopment Authority to assist in breaking the lease agreement in the public interest of creating more affordable housing units. As you can probably imagine, there's immense disagreement and distrust of the property owner's plans...you never get anything that good for free.

1.) Ming's Market will be be moved. During this proposed move, the supermarket will be closed down. The employees, all from working class families, will not have income. Also, the new location for Ming's Market has not even been picked, not to mention the total lack of real estate for a supermarket to be relocated to.

2.) The plot of area is not zoned for apartments. Despite the benign-sounding purpose of building apartments, the zone has traditionally been used for commercial and retail spaces. Prior to Ming's Market's move there due to a fire in the late 1980's, the area was run down, unsafe, and deserted. The establishment of the market there was the main reason the surrounding neighborhood has prospered and revitalized.

3.) "Affordable" is subjective. While there are sixteen housing units being offered as "affordable housing units" out of a total ninty-six units, the price tag for this supposed "affordable units" is between $1250 - $1750 for a one bedroom apartment. Honestly, which average working class person can even afford to pay over $800 for an apartment? The developers intend on calling them rental apartments as opposed to luxury condos, but we all know that they're exactly like luxury condos...except the fact that you don't own any part of it and you still pay an exhorbitant amount of money.

4.) Accountability is like a mule with a spinning wheel. Despite the obvious opposition from the community both on evicting Ming's Market and the construction of these apartments, the Boston Redevelopment Authority persists in carrying through with this plan. The Mayor is clearly opposed to letting Ming's Market collapse, because it is a vital part of the Chinatown and Boston economy. Unfortunately, everyone in the positions of authority will go through with the plan, because they feel it's for the greater good. Only two politicians issued public comments condemning the plans. How sad..

In case you were wondering, I got my opportunity to ask them some questions. Part of it was for pissing them off, but I wanted to stress issues of accountability on the part of the Redevelopment Authority. I could have totally brought up the issue of racism, but there just wasn't enough time to head in that direction (shocking, eh?). Anyways, here were my questions:

1.) Did the Boston Redvelopment Authority receive any form of monetary compensation or incentives for approving this plan?

2.) If everyone opposes this plan, will the Boston Redevelopment Authority not approved or block the plans for redevelopment?

Of course, I didn't get a straight answer for my second question, which was the reason why I asked the first. Sighh..

Honky tonk dongles

Phong and I had an interesting chat about why there's this practice among white guys to offer their penis as their prize in character. Hmm...you know that Enzyte commercial about Smiling Bob and the Japanese businessmen? It seems as if some men think that the size of their penis should match the size of their egos. Unfortunately, we all know that their over-inflated egos require the help of "magic rulers" in order to compensate for their shortcomings. I'm sure Phong's situation with this overzealous white guy with a huge schlong isn't out of the ordinary...you and I must have experienced this at least twice this week.

This is perhaps why I always hate how we're portrayed. No, it's not that we're immune to this boasting of large penis size...that still happens (again, without proper evidence to back up these big claims). It's actually the illusion and delusion that we're quite the opposite...our online reservoir of pictures seems to show that we're not very well-represented in the gential regions. While you might think it would only further the horny rampages of kooky rice queens everywhere, this fear has caused us to appear asexual...or at least our penises seem to have nothing to do with the process of sexual intercourse (and some guys would like to keep it that way).

So, if penis is power in this online society, are we then the slaves to the ultro-penile-powered rice queens with superiority complexes? Even though I know the morally superior crowd will be quick to dismiss phallic pictures as slutty or dirty, I'd say that you can't play the game and not follow the rules. A la Kennedy, it could be, "Ask not what your community of queers can do for you, but what you can snap pictures of in your community." Oh Jeebus, it must be some form of insanity that you're accusing me of contracting, but I feel that it's true. Penile prowess and phallic pride shouldn't be about stamping out those who are pee(pee)-shy...it's about encouragement for everyone to bear their body. So, who feels encouraged?

I'm hoping that this site isn't being monitored by John Ashcroft's goons (testing 1-2-3, purple monkey dishwasher). Anyways, I was inspired by Aaron's inquiry about gay cruises and I was asking myself the same question, "Why don't Asians go on cruises?" Heh, maybe it's because some of us are post-traumatic boat people...or that we're somewhat scared that John Ashcroft isn't let some of us back on land if we leave it. It's not too hard to imagine why we're not proportionally represented on a gay cruise. Heh, maybe you should be wondering why there isn't a Asian and Pacific Islander-only cruise event. In other words, you'll see the boat's name, U.S.S. No Trolls Allowed, clearly written on the side.

Hmm..I should conspire to launch an all-Asian event of some sort. I'm not big on cruises for one main reason...I hate the smell of sea air. Granted, I'm not the type to get sea sick, but that salty fishy smell isn't a nice perfume to sniff on your entire journey. Instead, I'd probably vote for my favorite vacation spot: Las Vegas. Viva the gambling, the artifical environments, and cheap alcoholic beverages. I guess you could probably do all those same things down in New Orleans, but I prefer the semi-classy atmosphere of a Las Vegas casino.

Who's invited? That's self-explanatory...all the shy, quiet, and misunderstood little queer boys who've never been in the company of other gay Asians and Pacific Islanders. You'd think that it's unusual, but I'm not shocked to see or hear about folks who've never had substantial conversations (or intense face-sucking) with people from their own community. Boys night out...that's what we need...and no, I'm not talking about a hauty nightout at Rage or the Web either. As I told Aaron, we can swarm and take over a spot in two shakes of a lamb's tail...but don't expect me to venture into territory where we're not going to win the battle, not to mention the war. Gay cruises? Maybe if we can charter our own boat. Wahoo!

Current state of porn affairs

Yeah, there's been a subtle, yet visible change in the recent production of porn. Like fashion, pornography is often based on the fads and mild tastes and infatuations of their viewers. As such, pornographers have to come up with flavors of the months every so often to increase memberships for their own sites. Of course, folks, such as you and I, don't actually pay for any of that stuff...buying memberships for a porn site is a big ripoff. This is perhaps the one part of the Internet, where I don't feel any remorse in getting for free. Isn't there a universal need for porn where it can be considered a human right? Ahemm...maybe not.

In any case, you remember all those old trends...but let's just stroll down memory lane:

1.) Bigger is better: Yeah, the beginning of contemporary porn has always been around the size queen-oriented stuff. The 80's were about just seeing two guys doing it, but it eventually "grew" into an industry that begged for McDonald-ization...supersize please!

2.) Techno-induced flavor: Since we were so immersed in our E during the mid-90's, we had to include phat pants as the hot accessory to little twinks boys. With candy necklaces wrapped around similarly delicious treats, it's understandable why so many guys got into raver-porn. Meh, it's now passe, since we've deemed that fashion trend obsolete. Of course, tell that to my wardrobe closet.

3.) Frats attack: Even though this was probably a spin-off of the straight trade trend, frat porn's probably reflective of the watered down sexuality brought on by the likes of Abercrombie & Fitch. In other words, as long as they looked buff and sounded stupid, it's a green light. I guess the only blessing out of this one was the rampant revival of the jockstrap. Wahoo! 

4.) Americana: The latest trend, while new and subtle, has already become visible to the porn viewer elites (ahemm, that would be me). Even though gay people probably shouldn't be bedmates with the holy patriotic right, American flags have been popping up all over porn recently. Isn't it nice to rub your penis on the American flag...or better yet, why not ejaculate on it too? Somehow, it seems to be a contradiction for porn to be patriotic in this country, but I guess we got to do something with all those extra little American flags.

Candi Stanton anthem

I was at Dave and Buster's and I happen to experience the most heart-warming thing in the world. For those who don't know, Dave & Buster's is an adult version of Chuckie Cheese, although it's open to kids during the daytime. So, you can imagine that there were tons of children running and screaming all over the place. However, I caught something out of the corner of my eye...it was so unexpected...almost Hallmark-ish. Heh, I saw this mother and two boys walking towards the bathroom, but the two little boys were so cute. Why? One of the them was wrapping his arms around the other boy...it was so CUTE!

Granted it wasn't sexual or anything...but I just kept watching them walk. It made me think of those sappy Sepia-toned Hallmark cards featuring the little boy kissing the little girl. Instead, it was the gay version filled with innocence and lovability. Yeah, I can appreciate things that don't have to do with sex too. Most of us can't imagine being able to comprehend the sexuality in that type of embracing at that age...nor should it have to involve sexuality. However, wouldn't it be nice to be in love with a boy at that age and know what all those emotions mean? Sadly enough, the reality is often that folks don't even understand all those internal turmoils until they turn into a teenager (or even later for some)  .

Heh, it might be pedophilic or something, but I'm just wondering what it would have been like to be kissing a boy when you were five or six. Of course, it sounds like something out of American Pie: Kids Version, but I'm just enticed by the innocence of it all. Meh, it sounds odd coming out of me, since I'm the king of sex, but I don't think it's too much to ask for some simple kissing...that's what lacking in this world. Before we get to boink each other in the ass, can't there be some simple courting? Heh, besides that, put a ring on my finger. Gwahaha..

Spiritual Viagra

Even though I'm not a religious person, I do have a spiritual side to me. No, it's not a belief in a god(dess) who controls and predetermines the funky stuff in life. Instead, I believe that spirituality is a sense and a sensation of balance. If you really needed an analogy, I guess I'll go with the geeky Star Wars concept of "force", which is actually a rip off of Chinese spirituality. Anyways, I have bad gaydar, but I think I'm always attuned to the sense of balance in my life. Despite my willingness to admit it, there have been times when I've felt insecure in the fact that things aren't balanced for me.

If there really is this force in the universe, the times that I am not balanced is often caused by my energy being diverted elsewhere. For example, I've been having trouble sleeping lately...that awful reverse vampirism that I've come down with. In truth, it's been stress involved with the job hunt...my energy's not being diverted to it, but it's being trapped by the lack of progress. As a result, I always feel as if I need to commit that energy towards searching, despite the fact that my mind might not be in it nor the motivation to take serious action steps.

How do you resolve this trouble state of affairs? I can't really say, but I'm grateful to know that it can and will return to normal. I think this is one of my virtues...I'm a self-aware person. I'm not scared of constantly critically analyzing myself....although I won't be disclosing every single relevation to you folks out on Xangaland. When I sense imbalance, I get that Chinese eye twitch...you know the one. Luckily, I didn't get one of those today.

Green is the color of..

I got the feeling that I might be coming down with something. It might just be psychosomatic, but there's rather uncomfortable dryness in my throat for the past day. The rest of me feels fine, but I usually have dry throat as a precursor to illnesses, such as the flu. Of course, the CDC has told us that folks in my age range and health status probably don't need a flu vaccination...oh great. Anyways, it might just have something to do with my lack of exercise lately. Heh, you would think that I wouldn't dare call it a euphemism for work, but I'm so whacked out of my gourd about job searching that I'm going to parlay it until next week.

Sometimes I'd like to think that I'm entitled to some perks in the job hunting. However, we all know that nobody in society should ever feel that they absolutely deserve anything in life. Worst of all, I think most people don't even consider me as a viable candidate since I look like a little kid. That's what got me thinking when I was on the subway...yeah, I do look like a little kid. It might be the fact that I like to eat fast food while playing my GameBoy Advance that gives other riders that impression. I'd prefer to describe myself as fun-loving as opposed to childish. Maybe that's why I should switch to the corporate sector...no one ever criticizes you if you're fun-loving. Unfortunately, in my field, we're all anally-retentive people who want wrinkly-faced, boring husks to fill in those positions.

Gee, and green is the color of..?

" We live in a world where we are hated"

Dez brought up an entry-inspiring quote from his favorite mutant dominatrix. Everyone knows that Stan Lee originally intended X-men and the whole concept of mutants in the Marvel world to represent the queer identity. In most cases, I'd like to think that we're more super-powered individuals, who have the special insight and compassion that makes us "homo superior". I know Dez's entry might have a more depressing tone to it, but I guess the theme around being a "mutant" has always revolved around conflict with mainstream society. Sometimes you wonder if it's us conflicting with society or is it society who's trying to pick a fight with us.

Like in yesterday's entry, you would think that the cliche, "To each his own" would sound like a good mantra to avoid all this conflict. However, it's never that and I'd imagine that we should be pulling some lines from Sermon on the Mount. Of course, I don't think the conflict is simply relegated to that fact that we're non-heterosexual....it's also based on the fact that we're people of color, that we're men, and that we don't all fit in the comfortable little image of being straight-acting nor gay hair dresser stereotypes. Like mutants, gay people come in such diverse and distinct varieties that it scares "normal" people. Remember Homer's famous line, "I like my beer cold and my homosexual FLAMING"?

Maybe I'm sometimes very quick to point out that we're victims of society's prejudices. In most cases, we're just searching for a period in time where there wasn't a big deal about who we slept with in bed. Despite all of that, I must say that a utopian view of a homogenously integrated society doesn't seem possible...not based on the extreme diversity that exists. As Asians and Pacific Islanders, we'll always be questioning our role in this world...be it those nasty, negative stereotypes, or our cushy roles as the "chosen minority" (of which we are not when it comes to the gay world).

Since I am an aspiring super-villain, I should be partnering up with Mike to create a mass exodus of gay people to our own private asteroid orbiting the Earth. Gwahaha!

Dust magnet

I don't know why I seem to attract folks over 40. Actually, I know why, but it certainly doesn't alleviate my discomfort with trolls. On websites, such as Dudesnude, it's inevitable that I receive one or two messages from people twice my age. However, I'm apparently the antidote to a very virulent love poison as I'm being messaged by these abhorrently gross older men. Of course, I'm rarely ever contacted by an older man, who happens to be a person of color...is it not a concidence that they all happen to be older and white? Heh, this isn't news to you, but it's so hard to dissect why there's this unnamed assumption that our community is somehow the prime target of "affection" and "admiration" from the over 40 crowd (from a particular racial group).

I was thinking that the reverance of the elderly may be one quality that makes trolls think we're all looking for daddies. While my mother was watching her Hong Kong shows, I've noticed that there isn't as solid of a distinction about age and appearance. Heh, those same ol' actors, whom they've seen and grown accustomed to, might look like Twentysomethings, but they're certainly nearing mid-life. The fascination with youthfulness in Hong Kong celebrity, therefore, isn't as blatant as the kind we see here in the United States. However, I'm pretty sure that trend is starting to change as I'm less and less able to recognize and identify all those goofy Hong Kong actors and actresses that I've grown up with.

So, if you were born here and grew up in our youth-obsessed culture, you're probably as grossed out as me when it comes to jail-bait-seeking daddies. However, is it then possible to say that non-American-born folks are perhaps more able to fetishize older men? Heh, no...someone's already saying, "To each his own.." Yeah, I guess I'll have to let it go and rely on that cliche. Of course, I'm not steretyping all older men...some are good...but I'd prefer those who are smart and wise (from worldly experience), as opposed to those fuddy-duddies who've only been surrounded by their assumptions based on "the Orient" and "lady-boy" visions. Now, if I could only get them to stop thinking that I'm an escort, I'd be all set!

Morning grind

There's this phenomenon in my field of work, where everyone eventually moves from the East Coast to the West Coast. Some might say it's an inevitable phase of personal and professional development...politics perhaps plays an even bigger role in the matter. For many old souls, such as myself, we eventually get tired of some of the inequities that exist on this side of the country. In particular, the lack of directed and specific resources for Asians and Pacific Islanders means that programs and funding for the community is scarce. That means the job market for working within and inside the community