Law & Disorder

I spent a lazy day at home today, because I didn't feel like going out. I tuned into TNT and I found out that Memorial Day was their Law & Order Marathon Day. I've lately become hooked on the show, because I like how Sam Watterson barks at the defendants in the court cases. I've been trying to imitate his way of talking, but I realized that it was just so overplayed that no real litigator can actually be so abrasive. Of course, there are plenty of lawyers out there who may orient their court persona to Sam Watterson's portrayal of Jack McCoy. Now, that would be a good show to see...of course, it's not to say that there isn't enough drama in the real world that I need to seek it out on television..

I've also been thinking about inciting disorder by reinventing myself. Somehow, I thought that I would change myself a great deal by switching to a public university, but I'm starting to realize that I've become more of a zealot. I just don't know why I've been so stuck on doing things that I've always been comfortable with...it's somewhat discomforting to know that you're not being outgoing enough. Upon graduation, I guess I need to revamp my style, because my passe 90's wardrobe is in dire need of changing. I would be mortified, however, to find myself in one of those makeover shows on television where "style experts" are trashing me left and right.

As for looking for a new place, I looked in the ads today and it looks okay. I have someone in mind as a roommate, but I know I shouldn't jump the gun. The first step is finding a good job that can pay for my prospective apartment. I"m sending several cover letters and resumes out to a few organizations that I've been seeing on the job sites. I ideally want a full time that's in the city and in a small to medium-sized organization. I know it's hard right now to even find any jobs in these types of organization, so I'll have to diligent. In any case, I want money!

Five Things Wrong with Porn

Okay, I rarely ever bash the gift of pornography, an element of culture that demands respect from the horny and lonely. However, I've found that there are some rather insidious things about porn that makes me feel revolted, because they seem to perpetuate social inequities that make life rotten for some folks.

1.) Funhouse mirrors: A la feminist theory, I have to say that gay porn does as much of a job in contributing to negative body image and self esteem as it's heterosexual and lesbian counterparts. The big name companies capitalize on the image-conscious side of viewers by feeding them what society deems attractive. Hence, you have big muscular A&F model rejects pounding an ass with the least bit of enjoyment...what kind of sex is that? I'd have to say that Chi Chi does a disservice to the community with her recent years' production, mostly guys who lack sensuality and good screwing techniques. Oh gee, smile for the camera.

2.) Straight, but not straight: This reversed situation makes porn so far from reality. He's "straight", but not straight enough to avoid giving blowjobs. We can interpret it as a fetish, trying to convert somebody...something that might be pretty hot if it involve unattainable straight guys. However, it's funny that we sometime idolize straight guys for the wrong fetish. By that, I mean masculinity (the commonly associated trait of the fetish) is probably what I least connect with straight guys. What can be more masculine than two hot guys going at it?

3.) Professional amateurs: With the proliferation of homemade porn, we see the increased production of personal websites with x-rated sections. At the same time, you have websites that exploit amateur pictures obtained from real guys. While we can consider amateur to be somewhat low-tech and low-budget, I get miffed by professional studios that capitalize on "amateur sex". This is where we get the "gay-for-pay" scenario and timid straight guys pretending that they like to take it up the rear. What's my evidence? Hey, look at the entire military-themed porn videos...just waiting for one of them to say, "Uhh...I've never done this before."

4.) Overzealous directors: Along the same lines as amateur porn, have you ever witnessed the director or cameraman actually participating in a sex scene. Wha?? How unprofessional. The classic example would be Uncle Bob's military jocks videos, which feature the dear uncle eagerly molesting obviously grossed out military guys. Among a recent visit to an Australian porn website, the models were subjected to receiving blowjobs from hideous trolls as part of their video sessions. I'm glad all the guys stood behind a gloryhole wall, or they'll lose their stiffy's once they see what's on the other side. Ultimately, the director's basically paying the guys money in exchange for sex (a.k.a. prostitution), which just goes to show you that there ought to be a code of ethics for porn directors. Stay behind the camera, mister!

5.) Sweatshop labor: If you're familiar with Asian porn, then you know that 99.8% of all those videos are produced in some foreign country. The miniscule number of videos produced here in the United States featuring Asian models typically are one-shot deals, not an entire production series. There is always a concern about the pay gap between domestic models and those being used in productions internationally. Specifically, I've always been peeved about the level of pay given to Thai models, who perhaps don't make a sum comparable to American models despite a leading role or multiple scenes in a project. You can certainly argue that they're earning well above the average wage of their local communities, but isn't it still sweatshop exploitation of precious penises and booty? When will there be a responsible porn company to produce ethnically responsible porn? Wow...that's a mouthful..

007ware

I absolutely abhor all forms of malicious programming. Sure, it's caveat emptor when surfing the Internet, but programmers are getting more and more obnoxious nowadays with their scripts. Somehow I accessed a website that was programmed to secretly install adware and spyware onto my laptop. I'm usually very careful and read all the prompts that come up about installing weird add-ons. Unfortunately, it appears as if an entire slew of malicious programs made it in the door. Luckily I used Bazooka to remove all the programs...through a long, tedious process of manual deletions and system reboots. I hate evolving technology.

On a similar note about the Internet, I have a way cool list for folks on my protected list.

Rated X

In lieu of last Monday's discussion about pictures and the eye-candy on Downelink as Phillip mentioned, I guess it's good to expand on the fifth tip about nudity. Yes, nude pictures are definitely scandalous and should be taken with caution and prudence. We know that the National Inquirer always has a knack of obtaining nude pictures just when you happen to get that big position as a White House Cabinet secretary. Here are some considerations to whether or not you should do it:

1.) Privacy: Obviously you're not looking for privacy if you happen to be taking naked pictures of yourself. If anything, you're looking for even more attention by showing off your private parts. Is there a reasonable expectation of privacy if you're out there flashing your peepee in cyber-space? Conservatively, no...you waive your right to privacy when you decided to digitize your private parts. On the other hand, there is a tiny bit of privacy if it's pictures that you set privately to one single individual as opposed to posting it on a website. Of course, it's not automatically understood that there is a guarantee of privacy...that is, unless you attach that ugly word of "discreet".

2.) Morality: Sorry, but my sense of morality went down the drain when they invented webcams. Heh, but certainly don't ever let morality be the determinant for you to post up naked pictures of yourself. If that was the matter, then you probably should scrap talking to folks on the Internet entirely. Some folks might argue that dating and friend-making through the Internet is anti-social, hence an immoral behavior. However, I totally disagree with that...everyone has a different moral barometer. Therefore, if you did want to consider morality, then you should probably apply it on a broader scale in regards to you being on the Internet...not just for naked pictures. Of course, there are degrees to everything, but I'd advise you to steer away from this one as the deciding factor.

3.) Ridicule: Okay, ridicule over what? Hmm...let's hope it's nothing so damaging to your career nor your spirit. Without doubt, friends will try and bash you for having naked pictures of yourself. If you have thick skin, then you'd retort by asking them why they would bother to make it an issue unless they had a reason to look at them. Besides, you can't be a loser if you're comfortable with showing off your private parts while they can't even pee in a public washroom.

4.) To trade or not to trade: If you're taking naked pictures of yourself just for posterity, then I guess there's no problem. If you, like millions of Internet users, do plan to trade them with other people, you do need to be wary. In most cases, I warn folks about being scammed by eager individuals who are quick to look at your peepee and then peddle fake pictures to you in return. How do you avoid this? My fun solution, of course, is RESEARCH! If you happen to look at enough Internet porn or join enough profile sites, you'll have better access to commonly-used fake pics. Then you'll know how to avoid guys who impersonate porn stars (or at least their 9" dongs).

5.) Legality: This is probably the one reason that I would limit you from xeroxing your peepee. Despite the pervasiveness of pornography everywhere, yes, it is still a crime in some jurisdictions to possess naked pictures of yourself. This, of course, is concurrent in all states and territories when you're under the age of 18. So, please don't get yourself and others in trouble by snapping photographs when you know it's going to be classified by kiddie porn. Yes, a minor can also be prosecuted with child pornography charges by trading with another minor. Oh yeah, did you know that Face-pic was previously the kiddie porn capital of the web? Luckily, they revised their policies. In any case, always make sure that the person you're trading pictures with is actually 18...or you'll regret it.

Whore-link

Okay, I probably went back on something that I had said a few months. Most folks know that I'm fiercely anti-metrosexual and I'm not too into the whole terminology of "downe" neither. However, I decided to join up on Downelink to post up information on the upcoming Boston Social Forum. I don't know if it was such a good move to join another Friendster-like website. Inevitably, of course, you get all the kooky people who are obsessed with the whole concept of adding friends to their list when they really don't care about learning more about the individual.

With Downelink, this is no exception as all the little downe children want to collect boys who look pretty as opposed to them being friends. I have to admit that Friendster has a bit more of a semblance to real life as most guys start off by adding their real friends. However, it seems almost immediate that new Downelink members begin combing through the database for hot, closeted thugs. I swear some of these folks treat the site like a big game of Pokemon...gotta catch 'em all!

Contrary to popular beliefs, I did not buy a dildo. If you're an avid reader of my writing, then you probably have reviewed my discussion about dildos in my Top Five Sex Toys. Okay, I guess my reputation for salacious products is a motivating factor for everyone to declare my order to be sex-oriented. Regardless, it's not a dildo...so we'll put that speculation to rest.

A frequent question yesterday is about my protected list. If you're on it, then you can read this. Who's on my protected list? Okay, I'm not a Premium Xanga user, so I can't have an unlimited number of users on my list. Therefore, I rotate users on my protected list periodically. I add in people who tend to frequent my trip more often and remove folks who seem to comment less. No, it doesn't mean I hate you or that I'm mad at you if you get knocked off the list. If you happen to be newly added onto the protected list, you can take advantage of your new perk by going backwards and try to find some old entries that were previously not available to you. Sneaky, eh? Oh well...it's all about creating extra incentives for you Xanga readers...increasing literacy for all queer folks...the joys of reading. RIF!

Along the same lines, I plan to do a mini project for the summer by creating a new zine. If you've known me for a while, my previous zine project was called Hi-Q. Now, I plan to put together a queer Asian & Pacific Islander zine together...something that will have more focus on visual elements than writing. However, I do plan to adapt a lot of my writing to the zine and incorporate them into some of the topical materials. Are you interested in collaborating with me on this project? I won't be doing the old fashion xerox method anymore (especially without an organization backing my project). I will try out CafeExpress and see if it's a good publishing company to help distribute the zine. I can't do it all alone in one summer, so if you're a writer, photographer, or magazine publisher (ha!), check in with me.

Okay, I'm not happy with an online company. They charged me $12 for shipping by UPS and then I discover that the package won't be delivered until June 2nd. How can they charge me so much money and then not deliver my stuff for more than a week? I read on their website that it only take at most five days for delivery, which I thought was reasonable for $12. Now that I found out it's going to take so long, I'm peeved. Furthermore, who uses ground service by UPS when you can use Priority Mail with USPS. Dang, I hate how companies try and screw you over with that stuff.

Want to know what I bought? Heh, check back tomorrow if you're on my protected list.

Five ways to spice up your pics

Okay, the topic of pictures came up today. So here are five simple ways to improve the attractiveness of your pics:

1.) Get rid of the girls: Despite the cuteness in posing with members of the opposite sex, I am always peeved by the fact that so many guys get into pictures with girls. In terms of attracting guys with your pics, don't you think that it's important to show that you're not someone who's playing the straight trade? You could jump into pics by yourself or with other guys. Of course, just make sure that the other guys don't outshine you. You certainly can't go wrong with being in pictures with other guys, because it at least shows folks that you can be in the company of other guys.

2.) Stop mirror pics: Okay, I know some guys want to take pictures in secrecy, because they might be used for some clandestine purposes. However, it's totally tacky to stand in front of mirror to snap a picture of yourself, camera and all. It sends a bad message to your viewers, because it either shows you're antisocial or too self-conscious to have on-lookers. If you happen to be taking more revealing pictures, then I can understand if it'll give you performance anxiety. However, you can always turn a photosession into a fun activity...fun for both the photographer and the model. Ho ho ho...how naughty!

3.) Accessorize: Okay, good accessories are integral to a good look. Some guys just need to steer away from the usual wardrobe or au natural by wearing a few add-ons. If you are the type to show off the size of your wallet than the size of your biceps, then sure, show off the bling bling and expensive Louis Vuitton bag (knockoff or not). Other clever accessories to accentuate your assets can include sunglasses, watches, armbands, or necklace. I tend to think big gaudy things make better accessories if you don't want to show off the body. For example, chunky wristbands are always a good way to puff up your stringy arms. Also, sunglasses are a deceptively clever way to hide your eyes...be it those bags or just if you have glasses. Accessories are most commonly used to show off your hobbies and interests. Therefore, you can let everyone know you are a dom top by slapping on those leather armbands. Of course, it's not about deceiving your viewers as it is just providing a better image of yourself in a picture. Just try not to go overboard with accessories, because you don't want to look outlandishly different than in real life.

4.) Lights! Camera!: Yeah, lighting is so important when trying to take a picture. In most cases, we see pictures that show some mysterious shadow with bad lighting. While many fear lighting as something that illuminate imperfections, it can be used to cover up blemishes...if applied in proper doses. With high lighting, there's always an opportunity to use light and shadows as a way to highlight your appearance. Certainly, you could use it to show off the definition and curves of your body...no, it's not just relegated to fierce abs or pecs...that bootylicious behind is also a good thing to place in good lighting. Oh gee..look, it's the moon!

5.) In the buff: Okay, if all else fails...just get naked. Okay, maybe that's a bad tip. In most cases, having a raunchy pic is maybe the most direct way to getting attention. Of course, I know many guys are totally not into showing off their bodies, but you got to say that a well-done pic can make anyone look good. If you're too skinny or too heavy, it's still no reason to avoid taking pictures of your body. Besides, people will eventually get tired of staring at a faceshot. If you're also the type who's okay with hookups, then you probably will be asked to have one of these pics to prove your stuff. In that situation, you'll definitely need to pay attention to the four previous tips...otherwise it'll be no good. Mommy...I see penises!

Death by snoo snoo

Have you ever had a dream about sex? Dreaming about sex is perhaps a telltale sign that you're either getting too much or not enough sex. I guess there are three kinds of sex dreams:

1.) Traumatic sex: This would be the one that you don't want to dream about. Sometimes people dream about forced or coerced sex as a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. It might not even be an overt sexual assault that could trigger a body response. Images of molestation can be as vividly frightening as forcible rape. In this situation, waking up is usually the breaking point in your psyche where you can't deal with it anymore. Heart rate and heaviness in the head would be a common sensation. Does having this kind of dream mean that you're messed up? No..it means that you need to talk it out with someone, because it's obviously reached your subconsciousness.

2.) Enjoyable sex: "You just woke me up from the greatest dream." Ever had to say that to someone? I gather that this type of dream is most desired and most frustrating for people. If the sex was extremely pleasurable and sensual in the dream, you must be thinking to yourself, "Dang, why can't I have sex like that in real life?" Regardless, the purpose of having this kind of sex dream is perhaps a sign that you're in need of some sex ASAP. For most guys, I guess waking up from this dream is followed by some quick masturbatory activities. I find that dreaming about enjoyable sex typically does not occur consciously unless there has been adequate visual and auditory cues in your mind already. In other minds, fantasize who, where, when you want to have sex.

3.) "Kinky" sex: Okay, "kinky" is subjective. I consider kinky to be whatever is just outside of your comfort zone. Therefore, whatever is kinky to you might not be kinky to me (trust me, there's plenty that's not kinky to me). Unlike the enjoyable or traumatic sex, kinky sex is more confusing than scary or pleasurable. If you do happen to like it, then I'm sure you'll be pondering the meaning of the sex after you wake up. Of course, kinky sex dreams are the most fun to tell to others. For some, the sex might be a quirky threesome...others might be some hot S&M...while some might be doing it with a cucumber or something. Unlike enjoyable sex, kinky sex might involve people that you're not familiar with, or don't usually consider a sexual partner. However, it might also involve people you do know...just acting in a fashion that you're not used to. Snoo snoo!

Oh gee, guess what type of sex dream I had.

 Best (Work) Week Ever

So, I'm guessing Xanga is experiencing a slowdown in writing due to graduation and summer-related slacking off. We'll have to see what folks are doing this summer in order to see if there's going to be any heavy duty writing from liberated individuals. So let's go through this week of posts by different folks:

Monday 5/17 (John): Forays at a pool party is always a nice way to kick out the beginning of the summer. I really wished John would have taken some pics, so I could drool over the guys fact that they have access to a pool. As for the speedos, I think they're reserved for guys with adequate support in a variety of places on the body. Okay, that basically means you got to have a nice ass to fill out the behind...however, filling in the front nicely isn't a bad thing either, heh..

Tuesday 5/18 (Mike): Okay, I know Mike's the sarcasm queen east of the Atlantic. I think it would be fun to frolic in the UK throwing out witty statements and catchy comebacks at British folks just to prove stereotypes about American rudeness. Of course, I think I'm too nice...unless they happen to be honky white people who don't know any better. Oh wait...

Wednesday 5/19 (Phong): Okay...what can I say about that music video? Damn, it was so hot. Well, hot in a lukewarm sense for American standards, but nonetheless endearing for folks not used to seeing Asian on Asian flirting. Reminds me some much of Bishonen...does this mark a trend in gay Asian music videos?

Thursday 5/20 (Albert): Hong Kong, shopping wonderland. Albert gets to leave Taiwan for a much happier place with window shopping of all kinds. Although I never really felt like Hong Kong would be a place that I'd want to travel to, I wouldn't mind looking at their sampling of gay culture.

Friday 5/21(Kris): While HHS and the FDA is trying hard to remove "supersize" from the American food lexicon, a director comes out with the most heinous and disgusting shock-u-mentary. If you ever wondered how much fast food a white guy can take, then this is your movie. I'm just wondering if those greasy Chinese pastries and buns from Chinatown are as unhealthy as fast food from McDonald's. Hmm...

I decided to push back Best (Work) Week Ever until tomorrow, because Luke's taken a great interest in a statement that I made about his blogring.

What I initially said:

"Isn't 'What A Wonderful World' a bit pandering to the idea of diversity? Sure, loving each other is great, but we value the difference, therefore we do care about age, race, location, and social status. Denying that we do care is just a false security blanket to convince folks that they being obtusely politically correct. If anything, I probably see people care more about oppression and discrimination than any over-arching form of unity. It's a good idea, but I'd retool the 'vision'."

What Luke responded with:

"Never would I ever suggest that we deny what makes us different - but what I am saying is that I would never let it become an 'issue'.

Instead of pointing out the differences, learn about them and understand them, or even if you don't understand them at least accept them.

If it offended in any way at all I do apologise - but it is the way I feel. I have made many friends in my time - from all walks of life and from many different places. i enjoy their diversity and I want to learn more about it. Never would I try and deny those differences as thats what stops us being who we are.

basically what I am saying about our differences is - don't make it a problem, make it a reason for friendship in the first place."

Just for fun, I'll help Luke out by retooling the vision. Hey, I normally charge people a consultant's fee for this, heh..

Okay, the job fair was so stupid. It was a balmy day and we took the subway to the other side of Boston.  Plus, it only featured ten employers, all coming from large scale institutions. None of them seemed to be friendly or receptive to talking to people about job opportunities. I swore we were the only Asians there...everyone was black. There was the one token white guy, but I could tell he was uncomfortable there. I only approached Children's Hospital and the lady told me about this position that had no relevance to me at all. How am I suppose to serve Latinos in an adolescent trials project? Do I speak Spanish? Hmm....

The only employer that caught my mom's attention was the FBI. Yeah, you read it correctly...the Federal Bureau of Investigation. She's infatuated with the whole Mulder and Scully thing, so that's why she's so interested in joining the FBI. Of course, we flip through the book and we found that there's a stated age range. Apparently, you have to be at least 23 years old and at most 36 years old. Ha...so my mom is out and I'm not old enough yet. There's also a required four month training period in Quantico, which I'm sure is entirely wiretapped by John Ashcroft to make sure that he catches all the "bad guys". In any case, I wouldn't want to be an FBI agent anyways. Talk about large scale institutions..

The evenings have been so wonderful lately. Even though I don't sleep with the window open, it just seems so comfortable with the light breeze outside. It reminds me of the good nights to go out to a club...where I'm not wearing a thin shirt in sub-zero degree weather. I think it would be kind of nice to walk around the neighborhood at night, despite the quietness of the suburbs. Of course, I'm sure the residents will be thinking that a burglar is out on the prowl with some weirdo walking down the street.

Last weekend, I bought a Gundam kit at the new Target. I spent $17 on this seemingly big kit and then I went home to assemble it later that evening. When I twisted off the first part, I noticed that it was pretty small for such a big box. Then I looked at the cover of the box and I saw it said, "1/144". Wha? 1/144 is the smallest sized Gundam that you can get. I basically got screwed and bought a tiny Gundam for $17. Sure, it has tons of articulation and accessories, but I want a comparable sized Gundam for my dollar. Sighh..

I saw this pretty interesting job today. It's working with high school kids and a contract position for one year. That's not bad, considering I don't know what opportunities are open for now. Anyways, I'll be going to a job fair with my mom tomorrow. Yeah, we're both looking for work. Any employer looking to hire a mother-son team? Ahemm...maybe not..

Oh joyous day. I went down to the University to pick up my cap and gown. I'm cautiously poking my head like an ostrich through this whole graduation process. I don't want to make any noise, do anything wrong, or even breathe a sigh in the wrong company up until June. I just want all those research papers to go through with no revisions or edits...please!

Okay, I played Resident Evil on GameCube today. I forgot the fact that you can get your head chopped off by Hunters, so Jill met an unfortunate fate after beating up the big plant monster. Damn.

After looking through recent job postings, it looks like good prospects for me to snag something. However, I'll need to be extra attentive to a good local job...not that there are any. There are tons of great jobs out in the Bay Area, but I'm not ready to go out west like all the other Asians and Pacific Islanders.

Here's what's on the tab to pay out:

Ohh...smile. It's finally over.

Glam bake

Yesterday's trip to the Clam Box was somewhat different from previous visits during balmy evenings in the burbs. While waiting for our order at a booth, I saw an Asian guy staring us down. He was moderately cute and all, but he had a stereotypical jaw line that showed that he used to have braces. I'm convinced that he had braces since his little brother seated with him was a mini-version of him.

Anyways, staring. That really is one of the things that annoys me. I tend to think that there's something wrong with me when a guy stares in my direction...either that I have food on my face or bug's on my cap. I rarely ever interpret staring as a form of flirting or flattery. For that, you'll need to grab a lot more courage and actually start up a conversation. Heh...of course, I'm probably oblivious about flirting unless the person stares me down like the way the Asian guy did.

In any case, I seem to draw attention everywhere I go. It's mainly because I have no limitations to the conversation topics that pop up in a social setting. Therefore, it's easy to overhear me talking about semen or my rants about metrosexuals or even more topics involving bodily fluids. If anything, I like it when people laugh about these things, because there's nothing more hilarious than a story that involves sperm.

In case you were wondering about that Asian guy, he left with his family. It's funny how many innocuous people there are in the suburbs. Of course, there are probably a basketful of closeted Asian guys and gals at family dinner time hoping that they're spending it with a romantic companion.

Funny note: I saw a non-straight girl friend of mine at the supermarket. She was with her family. Why didn't I talk more about her? Because I'm not girl-crazy, heh..

Okay, it was hot today. Too hot...especially for Youth Pride. I didn't do much for the event except show up in the morning to meet and greet folks. There weren't many people that I knew there, so I didn't do much of meeting or greeting anyone. However, I was pleased to see that turnout for the event was better than last year. However, it's still significantly less than prevoius years when we had tons of kids coming from all over Massachusetts. Fortunately, I saw many Asians among the crowd. Surprisingly, it seemed that they came from the schools...which could mean that Asians are well-represented in the GSA's. Yay!

Now I'll get back to drinking. Gulgg..

The Grand Jury's still out

In the mid-break of writing and I thought I should make another entry within the same 24-hour period. Somehow I just felt somewhat numb from isolating myself in my room all week doing my writing. Life isn't played out in a vacuum and sometimes other people seem to want to believe that isn't true.

The lonely: People want the extra special someone in their life, but they make it a constant obsession to search out that perfect partner. If life was about searching for a soulmate, then society should train kids to just plan out their future for domesticity. I feel that people should try and find out more about who they are as opposed to who they want to be matched up with. In my Social Construction of Relationships class, my professor told us that "I love you" is not a statement about love for another person. Instead, it's you socially construct the relationship with someone by saying, "I receive satisfaction from the thought of you existing in my life". Wow, deep...however, I think it truly is a testament to how some people can confuse love with the idealized concept of love. Meh, there's always lust if all else fails..

The downtrodden: Everyone hits a low-point in their lives when things just don't seem to work out. Ha, you can't even imagine how many times I've felt like there's no reason for me to exist in the world. Moreover, people sometimes are fearful of being stagnant...things just don't go everywhere...the same ol' rat race everyday. Of course, there are also individuals who can't see the high points even when they're being smacked in the face with good stuff. Clinical depression? Maybe...but I think these individuals just need to reacquaint themselves with what are the baselines of happiness, sadness, success, and failures. Remember when simple tasks used to excite you when you actually accomplished them? Oh yeah, the "I just used the potty" feeling.. Do some of those same things and just imagine whether or not you need to do something bigger or better to feel satisfaction. Then say to yourself how long you can keep it up before you start to wind down. By determining the point by which you need to rest, then you can push yourself and then finally see that you are doing active things to improve yourself.

The denialists: We all have feelings that scare us sometimes. Regardless of the color or warmth of those feelings, there is nothing wrong in talking about them. I can't say outright that it's okay to express all of these emotions, but it is possible to do such a thing when done in a responsbile manner. The wrong thing is to repress those emotions deep inside yourself until you feel so hard and cold. I certainly am referring to those who are still coming to terms with their attractions and the frustration that they feel about who they love and why they love them. It may just be a bit of curiosity and that the experience is a bit more surreal than the process...that's entirely normal.

Putting all three profiles together, you must think that this person is one big loser. Ha, you might have been thinking that it was a total description of you right down to the letter. In any case, let me give you a visual about how you can resolve all of this:

"I really wanted to see you today in the park. I saw you walking with her the other day and I didn't know what to think. I just couldn't find the courage to come and say hi. It makes me feel so angry inside when I can't just come up and tell you how I feel. When I see you, when I hear you, all I can do is look into your eyes and hope that you can see straight into my heart and know how I am feeling. Yeah, I know I am such a chicken for not just telling you right away. I guess I am just scared that I would go nowhere in life and that I would never have a chance of being with you...ever. Now, I just wanted to know how you feel about me. You don't have to say anything, or do anything. All I want you to do is just be here. Just let me close my eyes, hold you and kiss you. When I open my eyes, I just hope you're still there."

Sappy? Totally. If you can figure out where I got the plot from, you're a fluffy guy. Just see where this person took a leap of faith and ask yourself if you can do it. Everyone has a choice in how they want to direct their lives...so always give yourself a bit more credit on "life". Oogly boogly!

I want snoo snoo

Unfortunately, I didn't make it down to the University today despite finishing my Public & Community Action report this afternoon. I just didn't feel much motivation to go down there so late, especially since there's no faculty present. I'll drop off the report with my other paper that I'm suppose to finish tomorrow. Yeah, it's almost over. However, I still need to write two additional proposal for my post-graduation make-up work. Oh well, I only need to produce a two to three page proposal. The topics? 1.) Understanding Youth and 2.) Innovations in Policing Policy.

This weekend doesn't seem to want to turn out the way I want it to. Apparently, there isn't going to be much of a showing for Youth Pride this Saturday. I don't blame people for not showing up, but it's still such a shame. I guess I might consider going to the Sunday evening soiree down by the Cambridge City Hall, which is celebrating their granting of gay marriage licenses. They're going to have a party starting at 10PM and then have the town clerk's office open at midnight to start processing marriage applications. Momumental moment in Massachusetts' history? Maybe...

Poo poo poo

Okay, I'm a little bit behind on my submissions. However, I did make a major milestone today by submitting my enormous Capstone paper. The final product came out to be a 30-page report (mistakenly single-spaced), a 20-something page appendix, and a 60 pages of supplemental readings. It costs me a whopping $14 to make two copies for submission to two different evaluators. Of course, I do not want to receive any e-mails about revisions or corrections. So, let's cross my fingers that no one asked me to make any changes.

What's left on my plate? Just two more papers to complete. I also need to submit proposals for the leftover competencies in order to receive a progress note to go onto graduation. I'm trying to get as much out of the way by Friday so that I can enjoy the entire weekend doing homosexually delightful things. People are already shocked at my mental endurance, but I'll try and break the record for most pages written in a 4-week period. I think I already have about 230 pages written so far...so let's see how much more I can do.

Yeah, I'm a certifiable madman.

At this point, I'm just battling it out with time until the end of the week. I'm in pretty good shape for submitting nearly all of my required work at the May 17th deadline. For the rest of the week, it'll be long writing sessions to finish up my Public & Community Action 2 competency and then my Best Practices in Youth Model competency by Friday.

So here's the information I gathered this week:

1.) Youth Pride: Yes, there will be a Youth Pride this year. Despite the low publicity for the event, I learned that there will still be the traditional march from Trinity Church down to the Esplanade. Unfortunately, there will no official legislative advocacy activity this year. Of course, I feel that this year is the perfect time for folks to rally on it, but I guess everyone's too busy. If you want to be part of the day of queer youth festitivites, let me know!

2.) Wee Wee Wedding: There will be marriage...or whatever the hell the Governor wants to call them. On the 17th, the state's various town clerk offices will be signing away marriage licenses to marriage hopefuls. While there is an emphasis upon residency as a requirement, there is NO official rule that you need to be a Massachusetts resident before applying for a license. If your state or jurisdiction recognizes gay marriages or civil union, you can get one. In addition, you can also decide to move to Massachusetts after receiving a license, give or take a few weeks. Of course, make sure you do move here eventually, because you can still be prosecuted for perjury if you lie on your application.

3.) Ba-bee-Q: Okay, I initially wanted to do a barbecue this weekend to celebrate my friend, Mike's visit back to Massachusetts. His temporary return from LA is probably something that I should savor, because there's no telling when he'll be back later this year nor me ever flying to LA-LA-land. However, thanks to my lack of time management and overall lack of time, I think we'll settle on getting drunk. I might even be too lazy to fix up my usual Kool-Aid drinks. I personally don't want to make it a big affair, because I am a very private person, in addition to my increased stress levels due to overplanning. I might have some individuals in mind of who I would invite, but I doubt it'll be big. Get your hand off my Heiny!

Blackwashed

Funny...I couldn't find any extensive literature about the condition of being blackwashed. I couldn't even find anything in the Urban Dictionary, despite its numerous definitions for whitewashed. Somehow I gather this falls in line with our bias upon whiteness versus blackness in contemporary Asian and Pacific Islander identity. If you are from an urban setting, then you might have an inkling of what I am describing. Well...even if you were from a suburban environment, you'll still know a little bit.

If my previous discussions about rice queens didn't get you fired up, then you better brace for impact..

Okay, let's remember the virtue of discussion.. It would be nice to hear about your feedback on this topic, but refrain from flaming each other or yourself. I'm discussing this topic from a distance, so don't get too emotionally invested.

Houston, we have a problem..

Okay...my cell phone is now out of commission. I'm had Sprint for most of my college career and I think it's about time to switch carriers. As you may already know, Sprint has the worst reception of all the current cell phone carriers. Although I like their simple-to-remember phone numbers, I think I need to get more incentives than that. The most awful thing about my phone and Sprint is that I usually can't get a signal inside of buildings at the University. In most cases, that's a good thing, because I don't like to be disturbed while in class or while writing. However, it majorly stinks to have to walk to a window or a specific part of the interior to find a signal when I do need to make a call.

What's in the future? Hmm...I've always wanted a T-Mobile Sidekick, but that really doesn't fulfill my need for a better cell phone carrier. However, my entire family has that T-Mobile family plan, which allows them to call each other for free or something like that. As for myself, I probably don't want to do that, because I don't want them calling me...ahemm. I wouldn't mind getting a couples plan, hmm..

Schmooze

Haven't I harangued about uninvited guests to dinner outings before? Tonight's early Mother's Day dinner was no exception. Somehow people acquainted with my family always seem to have no scruples when it comes to the sanctity of family intimacy. When we have a formal dinner with relatives on my mom's side of the family, we inevitably encounter a band of individuals who think it's okay to bring their entire entourage to the event. Okay...one person is okay. Two? No, two is too much!

Wait! There were actually three uninvited guests! All brought by my cousin...who thinks that making an event bigger is always better. Maybe if they weren't the self-absorbed putzy jerks, then I can stand their presence. Oh well...

Triumph over sleepiness

Okay, I submitted last year and went to bed at 2AM. Aww...that's too early for me on the current nightowl schedule. However, I was a good boy and woke up promptly at 10AM to start working. Gasp, 8 hours of sleep? That's a bit of a luxury at this time.

Starting from 10AM, I began writing my paper for my Influencing Policy-Making competency. It turned out to be a fairly easy process since I have a bibliography already compiled from my previous writing assignment. Okay, boys...that's the tip for all you inept research paper writers...recycle your bibliographies in order to save time on research. It's also good for you to do papers on similar topics so that you don't have to start your research from scratch.

By 3PM, I was finished! I have a 15-page paper, 1-page action plan chart, 3-page addenda, and a 20-something-page appendix. That's a mighty packet! Afterwards, I ran down to the University to pass in my work. I ended up bumping into one of the professors whom I was avoiding all semester. I couldn't escape from her and I had to give her an explanation to why I've snubbed her all semester. Luckily, she was very understanding and was still receptive to reading my submissions next week. She'll be getting three competencies submitted to her...hefty reading!

Furious Joe

Okay, today's presentation went through. I don't usually experience anxiety during public speaking opportunities and I didn't experience it tonight either. Around ten people showed up for the whole entire series of presentations. I got three Asians who showed up, all of whom were faculty members. I guess I should be grateful that they showed up, because the University was doing their May Asian American Heritage Month celebration in a different building at the same time I was doing my presentation.

As for the actual facilitation, I felt pretty comfortable up there. I knew that I had to rush a bit, because I had a lot of information to go over and I was placed last to present. The problem with going last, of course, is that the audience gets all antsy to get out of there. Luckily, folks were very polite and they all waited until it ended before getting up. My evaluator did provide me with some feedback with the length of presentation, which ran over the 15-minute limit. She also said that I included some information that seem to be less relevant for the audience and that I should have limited to portions that the audience could relate more to.

Of course, any presentation would not be complete with the obligatory jackass. Mine came in the form of Curious Moe. This man embodied everything that makes you think of American colonialism (a.k.a America-Rules!). Not surprisingly, the person was white, male, and old. He made it a point to basically heckle me throughout my presentation by telling me that I was speaking too fast for his pace. In addition, he had the balls to interrupt the Q&A session by asking me what "API" stood for. Hmm...if the man not only missed one of the most common acronyms used in my presentation, but he also showed up late to begin with! Oh, how ignorant can white people be..

Afterward, I was conversing with faculty members and that same man decided to hover around. He then interrupted a conversation that I was having with the Chairperson of the Asian American Studies major in the my college. He attempted to answer a question that she had asked me, which was about why there were so many Filipinos on the West Coast. He believes that Filipinos live on the West Coast, because the navy was a big draw for Filipino during the time of the war. Of course, the thing that he omitted to mention was that the United States was involved in colonization and occupation of the Phillipines, which eventually contributed to the war. The faculty person gave me this annoyed look about why a white man was attempting to lecture her on Asian American history.

After everyone leaves, the man then proceeded to give me his constructive criticism about my presentation. However, there seemed to be more criticism than constructiveness. He told me that I was going too fast for him, that I needed more practice, and that I probably just needed more experience in public speaking in order to improve. WHA?? This man had no idea who I am and he already made all these assumptions that I had no prior experience or expertise in what I was doing. He virtually committed every act of cultural incompetence that we have on the books...and it's all due to his patronizing, paternalistic attitude...the same kind that makes the United States the world's biggest flake. Of course, I have no doubt that this man acted so patronizingly, because he felt that a young Asian student must need more guidance...and that a old white man must be able to teach him a thing or two.

Oh well...this is nothing extraordinary. I encounter people like that all the time at conferences. It just made me feel somewhat shocked that we would have someone like that in my college, because so many of the faculty, staff and student body do demonstrate a certain level of cultural competence. Hooray for graduation!

Final countdown

Tomorrow's the big presentation. Even though I really haven't practice much, I think I will do a good job. In contrast to some of my classmates, I don't often experience stage fright or anxiety in front of a large audience. However, it doesn't mean that I don't suffer from a bit of social claustrophobia...some free space (personal space) is always essential.

As for the remaining competencies, I should have everything handed in by the the 17th. After that, I will have two leftover competencies, which will be completed over the course of the summer. I still need to go consult with the professors tomorrow to negotiate a deal.

While the overall day seemed to suck, I survived a slew of delays, cancellations, and distractions. However, I did get several interesting e-mails the past 48 hours:

From one of my professors evaluating my independent studies...

Gasp! Look who e-mailed me...