Har har har!

Okay, I've been feeling as if I had scurvy all day, despite a hearty pork bun from Chinatown and a feast from Wendy's. This is probably due to the fact that I've had nothing but soda and alcohol since last Thursday and just one miniscule glass of orange juice (the carton in my friends' refridgerator is now probably being used for screwdrivers). I guess I need to take better care of myself this week since I'm probably going to change my diet away from the four major food groups of partying.

Other annoyances have been the fact that it's already July and I had to pay for a new subway pass. I just threw out $20 for that Metro Pass, which is currently going to waste since it lasts until Thursday and I didn't give it to anyone. Of course, I still have $4 on the Metro Pass that I bought back in March. If I didn't buy that $20 pass, I could have used it here for my monthly $79 pass. Gee, Manhattanites think they got it so hard. Alternatively, I also got to contend with the incoming bills from my Manhattan extravagenza, which turned out to be pretty hefty, since I decided to buy stuff in SoHo with a credit card. Besides, we apparently have el cheapos who didn't buy me drinks...hmm..

As for the musings, I discovered that several Xanga folks on here have been dating one of my friends. You learn these things rather haphazardly...not really intending to know, but you find out anyways. I won't pull out people's business on here, but I'm somewhat surprised that they would go for my friend, especially considering his personal traits and qualities. Meh, at least I now know folks' sexual positions...even though that turns me on more than grosses me out...heh..

Finally, the month of July represents touring time for my family. This means that the house will be abandoned for the majority of the month...leaving room for parties, forays, and orgies...gee, actually no...I'm too lazy to coordinate such a thing. Of course, Melissa could make an excursion to the "Eastern territories"...meanwhile, Mike could cross the Atlantic too...gee, why don't everyone just get their asses over here for the Boston Social Forum.

Diva-llusion

Okay, I went to a club called Heaven during the weekend. Sheesh, Manhattanites will already know what I'm going to talk about. Anyways, the physical space reminded me of the clubs in Philly...tight and compact. It keeps going upwards with three floors: main dance floor on the bottom level, bar and small dance floor in the middle, and private room on the top floor. Since it was such a small space on each floor, a medium-sized crowd would easily fill up the dance floor.

Of course, I should have listened to some of my friends and avoided Heaven at all costs. It's notorious for its white-boy atmosophere...somewhat unsuitable for me and my frequent anti-white-perceived statements. Besides, it was on the west side, which meant that I had to take the 6-train to Union Square and then later discover that the L-train isn't going in that direction for the evening. That only made me hate the bus system, since Manhattan streets are only made for foot traffic, not cars nor buses.

Back to Heaven (which I now think is greatly misnomered), I didn't like the crowd there at all. The bartenders were nice and the drinks were very reasonably priced for a Manhattan club. However, I got very miffed by the stupid white fairies who decided to make a stop the 3rd floor room. They decided to dance, but then seemingly monopolized the space for themselves, even after a group of Latino fairies strolled on in. I was instantly turned off by the crowd when I saw a white boy rudely mock one of the Latino guys. Ughh...if they're cruel to Latinos, then you can only imagine how they would treat Asians.

Anyways, we left Heaven extremely early, even though I paid the full $20 for the cover (dang, I need a John Blair Card). We walked down to 17th Street to Cafeteria and enjoyed a late night dinner. Most of the servers were South Asian, which I thought was comforting to finally see someone from my own community, even if it's not in the most sociable situation. In any case, they were all very friendly and I enjoyed the service...I'd definitely consider going back, honest!

Now for the real treat..

A list to be expanded

Guys who made me happy this weekend:

1.) Mike & Vinny for being at the Web.

2.) Kris for eating spaghetti & meatballs at America.

3.) My best-est friends for letting me stay with them for so long.

4.) Cool boys who let me dance with them.

5.) The great servers over at Cafeteria.

Things that made me happy this weekend:

1.) Late night Wendy's.

2.) Toy stores in Chinatown.

3.) An unlimited weekly Metro pass.

4.) Mac & cheese at Cafeteria.

5.) Lack of drama at the Web.

"Whaddaya mean they're not white??"

Big Feet

I bought new sneakers during the weekend. I found out that my feet grew again. I'm sure people are ready to say that I have big feet, especially for a person my height. Of course, I think the feet are like your nose and ears...they keep growing even after the rest of the body stops growing. Meh, you're probably staring down at your crotch and wonder if that part continues to grow. Gee, you should be reading this.

As for traveling, today's the big ride down to Chinatown. It makes me cringe about how flat my ass will be at the end of the trip. Despite our recent sky-laden tragedies, I still have the utmost confidence in airplanes and I prefer to fly as opposed to ground transportation. I'm sure it's probably the same about of time as the Chinatown Bus, seeing as how checking into the airport, taking off, landing, and then leaving JFK to Manhattan all takes time. However, I'm willing to deal with it if I can getting away with sitting only 30 minutes...my butt is way too weak to withstand long periods of sitting.

What's on the agenda for my trip to NYC?

1.) Return Kris' copy of Bishonen.

2a.) Buy some Gundam kits.

2b.) Go play in the Times Square Toys r' Us store.

3.) Go to some consignement stores.

4.) Head down to Soho and scope out weird art.

5.) Gock at gay people, but still avoid The Big Cup.

6.) Meet up with Kris, Mike, Sean, John, Vinny, and community folks.

7.) Eat dim sum.

8.) Buy a cool pair of green shoes.

9.) Browse sex toys at the TLA store.

10.) Intimidate white people at the Web on Friday.

Hulk tired!

Ughh...so much drama right before NYC Pride. I think Jason came up with a good response, at least an opposing view to what I wrote. If you enjoyed my previous one-on-one dissections, then get ready for another one!

Jason: "We need people to be on the left in order to promote change toward better equality and break down stereotypes... in this case the fetishism of Asians as exotic creatures and so on. However, by being so "anti-white" seems like reverse racism. Sure, white Americans are the majority and are the ones with the most power and so forth. It's easy to point the finger toward a group of people who control the mass media. But lets step back for a moment."

Okay, I despise that term now...reverse-racism or reverse-discrimination. It's double-talk invented by haughty folks who don't see their privilege and are trying to justify their own power by blaming the "victims". Racism is racism, as is discrimination, discrimination. By injecting the term, "reverse" in there, it just goes to show that the people in power are shifting themselves from being the perpetrators to the victims. Besides, I thought I prefaced it by saying that I'm not slanting it as an anti-white piece as it is an anti-exploitation piece. Of course, it's subjective, so I can understand if folks find me to be anti-white...don't get me wrong though, it's nothing to be proud of..

Jason: "What about all those Asians who are racist towards white people... not accepting their friendship based on their skin color? Are they any better just because we are a minority? What about the Koreans/Chinese/Japanese groups who discriminate against other Asians?"

This part is where I always caution folks, particularly those who are brand-spanking new to the dating scene. If we're talking about self-serving rice queens, then you always need to look at their brand of friendship for something more than a grain of salt. Despite the gooey, warm feelings of acceptance and friendship, fetishism can still be present in that offering...I think the issue has always been that they "love" us than them hating us. Alternatively, racial discrimination, at this point of the game, is the primary issue involved (as we're avoiding the anti-white argument)...maybe it's economic discrimination, but we're really poking at the colonial paternalism that some white guys enjoy throwing onto folks born in other countries...gee, daddies anyone?

Jason: "What about all those Asians who actually go for the 56-year-old rice queens? What the hell is going on in their heads?  I'm still trying to figure out what the Asian's [role] is in going out with people who "objectify" them. Shouldn't they know better? After all, it takes two to tango."

It's hard to understand what goes through the mind of a young Asian or Pacific Islander male who's just started dating...how they perhaps would not see that they're being objectified for their race, appearance, or culture. HOWEVER, a 56yo rice queen ought to know better. We also seem to ignore that part...the age difference, socioeconomic backgrounds, and education...a great disharmony in any relationship. Luckily, we're moving away from the simple profile of the white gay man...older gay men of any race or background should know better. It's unfair to place a majority of the responsibility on the (frequently) younger Asian or Pacific Islander partner. Now, if they only instituted dating and relationship curricula into sex education health classes, then I'd wholeheartedly agree that it takes two to tango.

Jason: I'm not asking people to be colorblind... since that would be very republican. This may be a silly question, but do you have any white friends? What are their thoughts on your thoughts and feelings? Have you understood their side of the story?"

I get this very frequently...that I'm some ornery racist bastard who's out to get white people. Yes, I do have white friends and a majority of them will agree with me on what I have said. Of course, it's probably because I surround myself with white people who think similarly to me...it's no coincidence. If you have a whitewashed (gasp! not that word again) Asian or Pacific Islander, then those white friends will probably be less receptive to this not-so-radical concept. Then again, what is "their side of the story"? I'm also confused when white people want to defend themselves...they have inherited a history of exploitation...if they try to defend themselves, it's called white guilt. Hence, I'm glad Luke finally responds without feeling guilty about his own identity...he's using his own experiences and beliefs to look at the issue, not what society expects him to. Anyways, a white person who is socially conscious and aware will not be so quick to turn their noses at this argument...as they say, minds are like parachutes.

Jason: "As for white people in general... they don't have much of a culture. Just think about how they actually identify themselves.... Perhaps they identify themselves to what they're not. Sure, there is a certain degree of obsession, objectification, and respect... but they're all there to varying degrees. It's so much easier to focus on the negative... but what's the matter with sharing one's culture with those who are interested and then changing the perceptions to the ones who are obsessed?"

This is where I absolutely disagree with you. White people totally have a culture...heck, gay culture for the most part is white culture. Not to rely upon conspiracy theories, but haven't you noticed how mainstream gay culture in the United States is inevitably centered around white people? However, I agree that there are varying degrees...I just hope that it's on the lesser side of fetishization. The age old question is, "Can a white guy be a rice queen without fetishisizing anyone?" I don't think there's any solid answer to that one. On the other hand, I do try to focus on the positive, as long as I'm not painstakingly trying to dig up any buried down in the American gay closet. For gay white men, how are they learning or sharing someone's culture without being exploitative? If their idea of sharing is swapping cum on a Saturday night, then it's beyond revolting. I cringe at the fact that so many Americans (of any race) can simply go to another country and expect to be received with open arms...without learning an ounce of the language or customs. For instance, check the Nation Party directory to see all the kooky white guys who are attending the party...let's try and get involved in someone's culture other than boinking their asses.

Jason: "In all overdramatic, silly, elementary seriousness... Sharing is Caring. Haha... I know I'm being annoying."

Yeah, you're right...sharing is caring. As the butch fairy would say though, "Knowing is half the battle."

Hulk smash!

I don't see myself as being anti-white...despite my frequent anti-white-looking writings. However, I got to say that some white people just lack a sense of boundaries when it comes to space. In particular, it's those with the internal desire to fit into a culture that they obviously don't want to necessarily fit into than to take a big chunk out of. My (current) perfect example is Fridae's bloated directory of white men who have invaded the website. If you knew me before Xanga, then you've read a piece that I did called Fridae Census, which catalogued the racial and ethnic makeup of Fridae's personals. At that point, white people came mainly from the United States and it's still true today...there are even more white people who are joining in on the East-meets-West bandwagon.

You might be saying, "What's the big deal?" Sure, we can take it as a sign that Fridae's garnering more and more support from the white community in building a website that is inclusive of all folks, right? Oh...how wrong you can be. I personally find it revolting that so many white guys are joining the site, because at some point, you're going to asking, "Where's all the Asian guys?" This is why I understand rice queens to be so secretive about their "obsession"...if they let everyone know about their unequal access to Asian boys, then there'll be a total looting of the goods. In any case, I simply abhor how there can be such a ransacking of a site whose original intentions is bringing GLBT resources to Asia and the Pacific Islands...not giving unfettered access to white guys who are tired of watching their Thai boy porn videos.

Okay, I can't say that I'm not being anti-white if I have uttered all that, right? J'accuse!

However, I think there's needs to be a clarification. Maybe it's not the fact that they're white...nor the fact that 85% of them are over the age of 35 and among that number, 90% are looking for an Asian guy younger than them. Of course, I'm not going to insinuate at all that all older gay white men are child molesters who enjoy going to Bangkok to hire massage boys...there's enough evidence to show that Americans can clearly exploit children of any country who are involved in the sex trade. So...that's the real point...that people are exploitative of other people...it's not simply relegated to white people. You might then ask is it fair for the media to only focus on gay white men from the United States...gee, the most wealthy nation in the world...and the fact that American citizens only venture to Asia and the Pacific Island to party their asses off and hire a few call boys in the process...money and power make great bed fellows (as opposed to your average 60yo and a little boy from Pattaya).

Getting back to the Fridae directory...what more can I say about white guys? If there really was a more balanced showing of white guys from a variety of backgrounds than your 55yo+ semi-retired businessman from Florida, I'd probably have nothing to say. However, it's obvious why there's a constant flood of white guys on there...Nation Party only shows you that even steroidally pumped aging hipsters with enough dollars and PCP can party it down with little Asian boys. I think we call that a "romp".

Oh yeah, if you happen to be white and you're reading this, try to exercise some boundaries and space and allow non-white folks to respond before chewing me out. Besides, I already get nibbled on enough in my spare time..

Intelligible

Although I should be focused on those leftover competencies and figuring out more about the zine project, I'm a bit too distracted by my trip to NYC later this week. It's going to be a great deal of fun for me..especially since I'm going to be meeting up with all my buddies. Oddly enough, I've been receiving so many messages from folks that I normally wouldn't expect to hear from...somewhat shady?? Yeah, I guess so, but hey, it's Pride..let's leave the drama outside.

As for white people...yeah, white people...I saw a rather peev-ish sight at the Chinese supermarket during the weekend. While turning into an aisle, I happen to see a white guy pushing a shopping cart into the parallel aisle. Suddenly, an old Tawainese lady greeted the man from a distance and began to approach him. At that point, my nosy self backed the cart up and I was snooping to see who the woman was trying to talk to. Of course, you know that the white man is married to an Asian woman and she's holding her hapa child. While eavesdropping, I observed that the white guy didn't speak an ounce of Mandarin...he just stood there while the Taiwanese women were talking.

I don't know...I have this rather weird expectation that if you married into a family of a different culture, then you don't act like some kooky stranger who suddenly gets cut out of the conversation once English ceases to be spoken. Of course, it's always expected that the Asian spouse speaks English when married to a white person...those Thanksgivings at "American" households must be conducted in English anyways, eh? What a farce..

For pride, I'm sure we'll be grumbling over the flesh wars between the rice-potato and sticky rice couples. Exercise your evil eye technique if you're the type to leer folks like that (if they were Pokemon, you'd lower their defense). I plan to get plenty drunk with friends, because it'll be the only time I'll have to be irresponsible before getting a job. Lovely..

This mission is classified..

It's great to hear so many folks are game for this little project! It would be extremely cool to see it come to fruition by early fall and we can all launch a swanky party something and get buzzed while giving a reading. However, I'm not going to fool you guys into thinking that this will be an easy job...putting together a zine is a lot of hard work...and it's a process that I hope folks can replicate on their own. Part of this keen process is ultimately collecting good, solid pieces of writing. I hope this doesn't become too intimidating for folks who might get eerie flashbacks to traumatic writing class sessions. I'll try and make this process as painless as possible.

There's really no concrete rules to writing, but I have a usual trinity that I feel folks can use as guidelines. Okay, all of this is transferrable to your academic pieces of writing...so let's get a pad of paper out!

1.) Style: As you already know, everyone has a different style of writing. That's what makes zines and anthologies so fun to read. While we're not chasing for pieces written with extreme adherence to academic laws of grammar and syntax, pieces with a good grasp of writing basics make for an easy read. Beside that, everything's else is a free for all. I'm hoping to receive a broad range of literary voices and issues. Of course, I'm hoping that a majority of these pieces will address both the Asian and Pacific Islander identity and queer identity. Can a straight ally submit something? Hmm...at this point, I'm open to the idea, but we'll weight it all once submissions are collected.

2.) Clarity: A distinction between good writing and writing that needs to be re-worked is almost always oriented around clarity. It involves a writer's effective use of language and style (as the previous point stated) to produce a piece that's easy to understand. This may require folks to revise and edit pieces that may have awkward sentences, unclear ideas, or your run-of-the-mill typos. This one is more technical than creative...so I won't fault anyone for not having a perfect piece on the first run. Heh...if we could get some peer editing, then I'll be truly happy.

3.) Focus: This last point is really a combination of clarity and style. With any piece of writing, I would hope that there is a message that is directed at readers. It certainly does not need to be sappy nor sweet...it can be depressing, pessimistic, and melancholic. However, there needs to be purpose to telling a story...you need to hook your reader. It's quite difficult to identify your focus, but let's just think of it as something more than simple rambling or ranting...you need to have a good idea of what you want to say and then how you will say it. This is why angry rants won't be getting to the last rounds of selections...it has to be a bit more substantial than that.

4.) Development: Okay, it's totally cliche to say that writing can be a cathartic experience. In (writing and) submitting a piece, there should be a hint that you're better off to have written than not. Learning experiences or insightful musings make for attractive reads...especially if you want to keep your audience drawn until the very last word. Again, this goes back to having a focus and using your own experiences and lessons as a way to frame the focus of your piece. This item may not be readily visible to you, but it can be very apparent to readers on whether you've immersed yourself in a process of development...be it identity-wise or writing-wise.

Wiz Independent

I came up with a great business idea today...it was certainly worth investing more time to plan it out. I've been trying so hard to come up with ideas that could lead me to a new career. Despite the constant searches for job opportunities, I'm starting to lean towards starting my own business or organization. I think I have a great deal of technical knowledge to get started, but it's obvious that an infusion of capital and manpower is necessary to get anything launched. Hopefully, my summer zine project will serve as a good test of my ability to complete a project independently.

Anyways, I have come up with a list of folks who I'm interested in receiving submissions from. If you happen to be on this glorious circle of writers, then hit me up with an idea, and most importantly, your interest in submitting a piece. As previously stated, old journal entries would be fine, although new, original writings are also dandy. Click click little spider!

Victor	Keoammara	John	Phillip
Jose	Albert	Kris	Erwin
PJ	Phong	Melissa	Kristopher

Don't see yourself on this list? Are you interested in joining in on the literary madness? Just write me and let me know who you are...especially if you're an Asian or Pacific Islander who wants to partake in this ambitious community project. Oh yeah, don't feel offended if you didn't make it into this list of twelve..they just happen to be folks that I remember reading pieces that I felt positively as a submission. Razzle dazzle..

More details about what I'd like to see tomorrow..

This is world is made for LOVE and PEACE.

People are such rats when it comes to conflict. I remember a cheesy line from some movie that people define their lives through conflict and hardships. It's certainly a great hook for people who strive to experience drama to the fullest. No way...can people be that masochistic, right?

While at the doctor's office today, I read this article in Newsweek about the resurgence of white supremist groups in the United States. It was rather sad, because the new leader of the White Revolution apparently is quite charismatic. In any case, I find that our conflict in the yellow world has been the fight against white privilege...that nasty aftertaste of American and European colonial paternialism. Therefore, we become so invested in exposing the banality of whiteness that outsides of this issue often view us as the racists.

"Why must you make such a big deal about race?"

I always hear that yelped by some "concerned" individual. I don't know why I tend to look at everything so critically...some folks think that I always associate everything in society to some breakdown of dialogue and communication in cross-cultural race relations. Semantics aside, yeah, I can sometimes get too swept up highlighting the kookiness of white people. As a result, I have the utmost respect for white people who are able to withstand the constant barrages and not make things too personally. It's rewarding to not feel too much white guilt over power and influence in white America (same goes for those wonderful bananas and coconuts). Of course, individuals such as this are very rare and unique..like snowflakes (insert your joke here).

Coincidentally, I was talking to Brian about a boy in his life yesterday. He asked if I had a problem with Asian-white relationships. Of course, you know how I feel about those...but I took a different approach in answering Brian's query. I stated that I have no problems with Asians who are dating white guys and vice versa...as long as these relationships are mutually non-exploitative. The same standard goes to all relationships, regardless of race...not mention class, gender, education, or culture. Hmm...how's that for generating discussion about conflict?

The Pen15 Club

In a stirring conversation with Phillip yesterday, we talked a lot about penises. Yeah, we're horny bastards without any topical boundaries. I guess that was also evident in my previous Cool or and Asian?!!! post. Among the age-old questions surrounding the phallus, we had the most fun with these:

1.) Height equals length: You remember the whole deal about Yao Ming's penis, right? We've all speculated that he's probably hung as a horse...based on the fact that he's seven feet tall. I guess this goes to argument that the body is based on proportionality...the taller you are, the bigger..ermm...that you're down there. Think about professional bodybuilders though...you might have really big muscular men, but all you see a teenie weenie dangling between their massive thighes (Trade secret: Most bodybuilders aren't over 6'2".).

2.) A hung Lilliputian: Okay, this would be the reverse idea from the Yao Ming question. Seeing as how Asians and Pacific Islanders are always stereotyped as the shorties of all gay men (except when they meet the Hawaiians, Guamanians, and Samoans), would it be a "big" shocker to know that a short person is well endowed. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective...they're big down there because the rest of them are small. Does it mean that they're considered any less hung? Well, if you put it into the whole argument about proportionality...no, they're hung. Gee, we need to get rid of the word, "hung".

3.) Longer or wider: I asked Phillip, "Do you prefer length or girth?" Not suprisingly, he said, "Both." If we're trying to redefine "hung", then we should definitely factor in thickness. There are many guys who have long skinny penis...yeah...it looks like a fake penis (a.k.a. dildo). However, you also have folks who are thick...and if you've ever seen Brett Winter's penis, it can be very thick. I think they call those beer can dicks (a la Trick). Heh, most folks know what I like..

4.) Take off your hats off please: The circumcision myth and uncut penis fetish has been a wonderful part of society's discussion about penises. If you're gay or bisexual, then you know that being uncut means you're open to a great deal of fetishization. For Asians and Pacific Islanders, this is an oh-so true reality, especially if you weren't born in the United States. I was kind of surprised when I discovered that folks in Canada don't conduct circumcision as often as medical folks in the United States...hence the launch of many Canadian porn websites featuring North American uncut penises. Yay.

5.) Turn to the right: Bent penises...whether you're gay, straight, or unsure, your penis turning east or west of the belly-meridian is a sight to behold. Although an extreme bend in any direction (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Select, Start) may be a bit painful in ass pounding, it's still cute to look at. Well...there's also a group of folks who think that penises must be shaped like a missile...a warhead. I guess they're brainwashed by the car companies to think about sleeker, air-dynamic shapes. Hmm..

Cool or and Asian?!!!

Hey...there's no sense in dragging on the Details debacle, but I thought I'd write about superficial and not-so superficial things that make a person cool. I guess these things would be traits, qualities, or skills not commonly associated with Asians and Pacific Islanders...time to smash the model minority myth!

2.) Have a big dick: Okay, how lecherous can I be? If it's anything to surprise your dating-scene bigots and racists, a huge schlong is a good way to poke at people's stereotypes. Of course, what do we consider huge? Umm...I don't think there's a size cut-off...I guess it's consider huge if it's not in proportion to your body size. My friends and I were speculating how big Yao Ming's penis was. Ain't that the question of the century..

3.) Photo-snap-snap: Maybe you like taking pictures with your cute little cameraphone...heh, there's enough pictures on Yafro to show evidence of that. However, it's also fun to see individuals who can take artistic pictures with a decent camera that's not digital nor attached to a cell phone. When I was in high school, I appeared in an article in the Boston Globe and the picture that I appeared in was taken by this Asian woman. At that point, I thought it was interesting that Asians can be photographing something without looking like a kooky tourist who was snapping pictures of landmarks. I think a cool career for any Asian or Pacific Islander would be a documentary photographer...maybe with a gig in Asia...such as photographing the AIDS epidemic. (Hint hint..)

4.) Leather fiend: Dom tops make my heart flutter...I don't know why, but it's pretty exciting to see an Asian or Pacific Islander man who's all decked out in leather or vinyl. Yes...I'm referring to Van Darkholme...that deliciously hot guy from S&M porn. Of course, I'm not talking about Asian guys being boinked on a sling...that's not really that remarkable. However, some gruesome fisting might be an interesting sight...heh, sickened yet?

Models, Inc.

I remembered today that I got an offer to do a modeling gig for someone that I met at Pride. I normally wouldn't consider it, because I don't think legitimate forms of modeling is suited for me...being that I'm the anti-label. I also don't like to be photographed by people who I'm not too familiar with. Let's just say that I'm a bit too vain to trust people with their cameras. I know how to make myself look presentable and which features of my body that I like to show off. There are very different perspectives about what people find attractive about me physically...much of which I sometimes disagree with wholeheartedly. For example, I hate my butt...it's not an attractive part of my body nor something that I want guys to notice. However, lots of guys automatically zoom into that section obviously because I'm Asian and that I apparently would have nothing to offer up front.

If you ever met me in real life, one thing you'll always notice is that I wear a cap. I haven't shown my hair in almost five years now...it's always buried under my raggedy cap. For one thing, I'm too lazy to show off my hair...even though a friend of mine in Queens call it "beautiful Asian hair". My occasional mohawks are fun, but I don't actually go outside looking like that, even though I wouldn't mind doing so. If I wasn't such a lazy jerk on making myself look good, I think I probably sound be a metrosexual..ermm...I mean, label queen.

If I could keep my current fashion, I would be sporting camo-patterned clothing everyday, a 5-inch mohawk, and goggles. Of course, I have to be an adult and dress like one if I hope to get a good-paying job. However, you know what? I think what I really want to look like has a freakish resemblance to Tank Girl...oh my god, I think it's about time that I got a makeover.

Something that I had responded with on Charles' piece on differences between white and black men's positions in interracial relationships:

As Pepper Mashay says, Part Trois

Contrary to yesterday's jovial recount of pride, I don't know how to feel about the following day. Phillip's been a great friend in listening to me for the past couple of days, so I'm blessed to have such a sexy listener on the other side of the country. A message that I didn't really pay attention to during pride was that this is all like a gay Thanksgiving. There's a lot of hard work done in preparation, but when the actual event goes ahead...it's all worth it.

It's all worth it, because people will finally be able to spend time with people that they care about. Who are those people? They are the closeted many and the out many...that fine line between closeted and out is almost gone from Boston. The more people who are out, the better it becomes for Asians and Pacific Islanders. I remember three years ago at Youth Pride, I was harassed by two white men, who told my then-boyfriend to bring me "back to Chinatown". If that ever happened this year, I would know that no one would stand for it...we'd be kicking white ass.

On the microcosmic level, I guess I have taken pride for granted...I don't think I appreciate it as much as I used to. Maybe it's the biological clock telling me that it's time to get married and have children...I'm suffering from ovary-envy. If I could just start having children, I think I will start to feel like I'm moving somewhere in life. To some, this whole conception is quite sick...men having children...or wanting to have children? Sadly enough, it depresses me that neither one of those things will occur any time soon, because things don't work out for me.

Everything would have been fine if not for this.

As Pepper Mashay Says, Part Deux

Pride was certainly an entertaining event this year. As compared to previous seasons, we have the fortune to get a really cool float with a South Asian wedding theme. I really enjoyed the decorations and all the ethnic clothing that folks brought. I felt a bit distanced by the whole thing, because what do Chinese people wear that's distinctly Chinese AND cool-looking? I also didn't feel like appropriating another culture's clothing, especially if it meant that I would have to get in drag. Despite popular misconceptions, my hourglass figure does not get itself into female clothing of any kind. Besides, I'm the type who sweats at 50 degrees, so any bulky or cumbersome outfit will definitely dehydrate midway through the pride route.

Crowd-wise, I thought this year's audience was extremely supportive. As always, we get those kooky white people who act in their own unique ways, but I can't fault them as long as they show up for the festivities. Our own posse was very enthusiastic about the whole experience, many of whom were participating in their first pride event. Of course, we were the sole large-sized group of Asians and Pacific Islanders who were there to represent our own community...you got to love it when everyone comes OUT for a big event such as this. After the parade, we even went out to a Vietnamese restaurant in Chinatown where we had a fun time eating and chatting...it feels just like San Francisco.

The rest of the day was left to wandering the city and making an obligatory stop at Fritz's. I have to admit that when I was 16, I enjoyed going to the campy neighborhood block party, particularly since I was dating white guys who had all the connections. As I grew older, I realized that one should not rely on the connections and influence of others to get anywhere..after that, the attraction of the Fritz Block Party faded. Of course, I still know all the leather daddies and South End queens...you can't forget those people...it's bad to say that I don't want to associate myself with them anymore. Yeah, it sounds conceited, but now I have people from my own community now, so I don't need to live vicariously through others, especially gay white men.

Pee

My mother cooked up an evil plan for going away on vacation at the end of August...something that might be more cause for problem than celebration. It's incredibly annoying at this point, because I'm still searching for a job. She plans to do another tour of the West Coast with stops in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Las Vegas. Of course, a trip in August means that everywhere will have an ambient temperature of 100 degrees in smog-ridden weather. I do have an infatuation with Las Vegas due to their air-conditioned goodness, but I don't want to go with only family...I'm way past that point. I want to go with someone that I can go out to the bars and clubs with, while my wretched family are trapped in their rooms after midnight.

Color me rainbow

Pride's coming up on Saturday and I'm very excited. Okay, you might have remembered me saying that it felt passe to do pride this year since I was so old. I don't know why, but I feel a renewed sense of optimism. There will be handful of folks going to Pride this year that I normally would have not gone with last year. Funny enough, I'm meeting a bunch of Downelink people..that meat-market site. It's cool that we can now remove the "downe" aspect of it and bring all these folks out of the darkness and into a prismatic brilliance for one day out of the year. The big thing for Boston Pride this year is that we will have a flatbed truck as a float, which means that we can be dancing like nutcases instead of walking. Gee, I guess I better go find my barong.

What about NYC Pride? Apparently, I'm meeting tons of people in Manhattan for the parade on Saturday. A lot of guys from another website will be joining me to just have a fun day staring and oggling the muscle men on the streets of New York. I got to remember to bring my camera to snap some cute pictures...ermm...I meant hot pictures. Party-wise, I already got an invitation to go to a private party already, but I think I'll turn it down, because I'd rather go with all my friends, as opposed to ditching them for just one friend. Besides, I'm sure I'll be rice queen bait with limitless number of drinks coming my way. Oh the stress..

Okay, I think I've figured out the logistics for that queer zine that I was hoping to publish. I want it to be anthology much similar to the ones that have previously been published on queer Asian & Pacific Islander identity. Of course, an anthology would require a group of folks with different experiences and writing styles to contribute to a final publication. What does that mean? I'll be recruiting folks, who may be interested in doing this little summer project.

Here's a list of what needs to be done:

1.) Recruitment: Okay, this part is simple, right? I think I have enough people on my subscription list of talent writers who would gladly contribute something to this project. Stylistically, I am looking for folks who have a good handling of writing mechanics, particularly with grammar. While I appreciate all forms of writing, I will be searching for folks who are comfortable with lengthier prose rather than poetry. Another bias is that I would like to recruit folks who have some in-depth experience with writing, i.e. academic writing or well detailed journals that show off a consistent track record. Gee, you would think I should pay you guys for this.

2.) Submissions: As i previously mentioned, I am looking for prose, not poetry. Therefore, anything with good paragraphing and sentence structure will be jewels in my eyes. Since we are drawing from the writing done in your Xangas, I think I would be fine with folks just submitting an old Xanga entry if it is a significant piece of writing. If you need a general idea, then I'd probably say in the minimum of two pages single spaced. Topic-wise, I am very open, but it should definitely touch about some issues related to the Asian or Pacific Islander identity. At this point, I don't need to preface that the pieces involve GLBT stuff, since I'm sure I have fewer than five straight people reading my Xanga (hello Cocksaurus Rex).

3.) Edits & revisions: While it would be really fun to have you guys peer review each other's submission, I'll pretty much be the only one who will be the grunt work of editing and revising. I hope this phase isn't as involved, because I don't like to alter any pieces to the point that they lose significance to the writer. If you wanted to make the job easier, then you would have reviewed your piece before you submitted it to me.

4.) Publishers: As of now, I do not have a publisher lined up to receive the anthology. My dream, of course, is that we do publish it into a printed anthology. I'm considering various options, including CafePress, which currently has their own small-time publishing company. No, we won't be doing any tedious xerox printing like a traditional zine, mainly due to the lack of sponsorship right now. If you happen to know a good company, then what are waiting for??

5.) Distribution: If push comes to shove, we could only distribute the anthology via the Internet as an online anthology. I know it's somewhat of a buzzkill, if not redundant, to put it online, but you got to work with what you have. If it is done through CafePress, the advantage would be the sales and distribution of the anthology can be handled entirely by CafePress. Wouldn't it be cool to have this be a printed anthology?

A big list and probably somewhat unrealistic as a "small" summer project, but it would be fun to have a release party after it's done where folks can meet each other. Oh, dreams.

Formula for sexy

Summer body means lots of laxatives and sun tanning. If you're not the type eager to flash your guns in the blazing sun, you're probably feeling the big blah during this meaty time of the year. I personally don't like the beach too much due to the rancid smell of decaying animals in the ocean, but scoping out guys laying out the sun like pieces of bacon isn't too bad if done in moderation. Of course, you could be a strategic fellow and just work on exposing a choice part of your body in the hopes of snagging a summer fling...by that, I mean a body part that won't get you arrested in a non-nude beach.

Here are three ways to flaunt your stuff:

1.) Pec-tionary: Okay, you'll have to be pretty inshape to show off your pecs in a reasonably attractive manner. Some might say that Asians and Pacific Islanders are genetically unable to produce those breast-like add-ons like white people. If you really think about it, pectoral muscles are just the pre-cursors to man-boobs...or at least they're the extrememly firm and toned versions of them. I think people are attracted to pecs in large part thanks to the Terminator and his role in Conan the Barbarian. If you're not inclined to train your body to develop those rock-hard stuff, you'll be happy to know that you can get implants for those now. Ouch...

2.) Abs-session: Hey, this is probably my favorite summer body part. Even though they don't serve any practical purposes, a good set of abs are hard to beat in a meat-fest. Cool thing is that Asians and Pacific Islanders can always be spotted with a cute set of 6-packs, whether they're skinny or buff. Of course, you'll need to shred a few pounds from all the alcohol and Wendy's you're consuming, but visible abs aren't too difficult to develop. Okay...some folks want the extremely cut ones...abs-olutely so developed that you can do laundry with them. Unfortunately, don't go for gimmicks on this one...you just need to eat right and do lots of exercises. Sighh..

3.) Chicken thighs: Some folks might remember being taunted for their chicken legs in high school gym classes. On the other hand, basketball players pride themselves for their long, slender legs. A good pair of legs can do wonders for some guys as much as that femme fatale in pointy shoes. It's not really about gigantic, thick calf muscles or firm thighs. Depending on your body shape, a good set of legs can vary. Of course, you always keep your legs from atrophy by walking, running, or jogging regularly. That means you should stop taking the care everywhere you go or participate in multiple pride parades to tone up those spaghetti sticks. Ohh, it burns!

Capital idea

I went to a rather dreary meeting tonight. It involved the same ol' folks that you see at every community meeting...white people. Oddly enough, Asians made up the second majority in the group...there were no black people. The topic of the meeting was about HIV vaccine trials. Haven't you felt like they should have produced a vaccine for HIV like they made a vaccine for smallpox? I learned from a conference back in September that efforts to produce a working vaccine in the last decade has never really been successful...individuals innoculated with a vaccine inevitably display signs of infection. Now, they want to try a new vaccine on people of all different racial and ethnic backgrounds...a gamble that a particular formula will work across all genetic makeups.

At the train station, this man, who looked homless, asked me to donate money for the AIDSWalk. I am usually very sensitive to homeless people and I rarely ever ignore them. This man told me this sob story about being HIV-positive, something that I have great difficulty in just shrugging off. He asked me to donate a dollar as a pledge. Then he saw that I have $5 in my pocket and he asked for the $5. Okay, this guy could be scamming me for my money when he might actually be buying alcohol or drugs or sex with hookers. In any case, I relented and gave him the $5. I'll treat it as karma...in some way or another, the $5 will go to a person living with HIV..directly or indirectly.

I'll just remind that man about a concept that I learned from Boomerangs, a consignement store whose profits fund HIV-positive care services:

"Stealing from HIV-positive people is a sin and God will curse you forever if you do so."

Fenetre

I decided to completely reinstall Windows XP on the new hard drive that I bought from Costco on Friday. It's a 160GB drive that I decided to partition into three sections. The kit that I bought came bundled with a PCI card that allows me to have a drive larger than 137GB, which I later hooked up to my system. It required me to link up a separate cable to the main drive instead of using the one that's usually connected to the motherboard. Of course, I should have read the directions more carefully...you only need to use that card if you want a drive to be 137GB or larger..it's unnecessary if you want to partition it into smaller drives (my current setup is 40-40-80). Moreover, I couldn't get the hard drive detected by the Windows XP setup CD until I disconnected the cable originating from the card and reconnecting the old one from the motherboard.

The reason why I'm going through all this trouble is basically because Gateway stinks. After they close all their stores, I start encountering problems. Of course, I still have the insurance protection plan for two more years. Lately, the RAM speed seems to have slowed down to a crawl and it doesn't appear as if it has anything to do with the hard drive, especially considering it's still half empty. I'm hoping that a new hard drive can provide a good litmus test to see if it's the installed DLL or other system files that's creating the slow-down in performance. In any case, my user profile has been corrupted yesterday, so there's no real loss in installing XP onto my new drive.

Of course, I will then have to reinstall all my programs, which will be a big hassle, because I do not enjoy rummaging through the stacks of CD's to find all the setup programs. I think I'll copy all my installation CD's onto a spare 10GB. Gee, can you remember the day when 5GB was the biggest that you could get? Oh wait, that's 5 years ago...heh..

Culinary chaos

Starting at 9AM, I began cooking my selections for my graduation party. I didn't step away from the kitchem until 2PM before everything was done and ready to be brought otuside to the guests. As always, it seemed like a tug-of-war match with my mother about our choices for menu items. She insisted on making her grubby meat dishes, while I'm trying to stuff some vegetarian alternatives doen my carnivorous relatives' throats. Gee, can't we do day without gnashing our teeths in flesh and grissle?

Anyways, I have to renew my distaste for Windows XP. Not only I have reinstalled the OS on my desktop several times, I've encountered glitches and security risks of all kind. As compared to a Mac, XP always has problems with their crappy registry and DLL management system. I've already lost my user profile more than two times now and it frustrates me to no end. I'm sure Bill Gates is laughing at all the tiny little ants atop his impenetrable computer empire, but I'll be sending to send a Ouija ghost to him the next time he needs business advice.

My right arm is sore from...

Graduation...gee, it's a rather ephemeral sensation of pride and happiness for everyone attending. I spent the whole day giving a mile-wide smile to the people that I saw during commence